Happy Birthday Jesus!

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected through his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, "Yes" when the world says, "No." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6).
God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes...it hurts." --Captivating

How many times have I broken your heart?
…but still you forgive if only I ask.

I constantly overlook what He’s really done for me when I’m so small, weak, unworthy, lost, hopeless…without Him I am all these things. But why save the world? After all, He’s got the whole universe…something so much bigger and more complex than we will ever be able to grasp. And He’s got it all in the palm of his hand. He’s named every star and every planet. He smile’s as they sing glory to Him everyday. And He still makes time—beyond all that, He surpasses the rotten lies, this broken world, and still knows my name. He died…for me. This goes to show not only how much He loves me, but how much He hates sin. Beyond all sites—the galaxies, stars, planets, mountains, land—God chooses the hardest way out, the most painful, with the most suffering, and out came the most beautiful. He chose the cross. Where my sin lies along with the rest of the world. Saved us from death…and gave us life. Oh the wonderful cross. You’ve totally captured my Heart Father. You’ve forced me to fall off my feet and onto my knee’s—broken before you. Crying out, for its never been more real to me. I’ve never been able to express my emotion like this before—and it feels good. Not in worshipping the emotion, because that’s not what it’s about, but glorifying the Creator, the Savior, who didn’t have to be. The smaller I see my life, the bigger my view of God grows. God you’ve made me stronger. Thank you, for sending your Son, Jesus to this earth in the form of a baby. Thank you for allowing me to see that I don't have to leave Jesus in the manger this Christmas. I love you, so much. Oh, and happy birthday!


Merry Christmas you guys!!!

Fork vs. Spoon

I came to this realization last week, thanks to some very good friends of mine:

Macroni and cheese is much easier to eat when you use a spoon.

The Wound Matters

"Let the tears come. Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will---many things. Anger. That's okay. Anger's not a sin (Eph. 4:26). Remorse. Of course you feel remorse and regret for so many lost years. Fear. Yes, that makes sense. Jesus can handle the fear as well. In fact, there is no emotion you can bring up that Jesus can't handle. Let it all out. Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there--the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams. Let the tears come.

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go--to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity.

God invited me to go with him into the deep places of my heart that were hidden and wounded and bleeding still from heartbreaks and wounds I had received from my father's hand. Places I did not want to go. Memories I did not want to revisit. Emotions I did not want to feel. The only reason I said yes to God, the only reason I would travel there, was because I knew he would go with me. Hand in hand. There is a core part of our hearts that was made for Daddy. Made for his strong and tender love. The part is still there, and longing. Open it to Jesus and to your Father God. Ask him to come and love you there. Meet you there. We've all tried so hard to find the fulfillment of this love in other people, and it never, ever works. Let us give this treasure back to the One who can love us best." -- Captivating
......
I don't believe in coincidences. I have no doubt that this chapter I read today in this book came at the exact time I needed it. These words are so profound...ones I've needed to hear so badly, and very similar to the ones I heard just yesterday. God is looking out for me, I know it. Even through the smallest things like this, I can tell. I love that, even at my lowest moments, I have someone who I know loves me wholly and completely.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have not stopped giving thanks because you have given me so much. I cannot stop giving thanks because you paid the ultimate sacrifice. This life is nothing compared to eternity, but I will do everything I can to live it back for you. I give you thanks because you have brought me alive, and saved me from death. I must not forget to keep giving thanks because you continue to give to me the gift of love and grace. I’m not worthy of any of it, but that’s why I want to thank you with my life. Thank you for your unfailing love that loves me all the same despite the things I do. Thank you for your creation…the sun that brings heat and the light to the world. The night sky that is more vast and complex than I could ever imagine. And for everything beyond the earth, even the beautiful things I cannot and will not be able to ever see. Their beauty is beyond anything I could ever grasp. Thank you for the life you’ve given me…with all you’ve taught me through it, and I even give thanks for the things I have yet to learn. Thank you for brokenness and pain. For you use these things to shape me into the masterpiece you have in mind. Without the trials it wouldn’t set me apart from the rest of this world, it is developing me into a more Christ-like figure. Thank you for grace. Without it my life would be worthless, I would be worthless…but your grace promises forgiveness and takes me back even in the worst of situations, when I feel utterly helpless. Thank you for the blessings you overflow in my life. For simply giving me joy and putting a smile on my face. Allowing me to laugh in uncertainty. Giving me courage and strength to face a broken world with your love. My God, thank you for showing me the good that comes out of bad. For giving my life purpose, and teaching me to live it by faith. Thank you Father for a family that loves me and teaches me. For brothers and sisters who care and walk with me on this dangerous path. Thank you for giving me the desires my heart longs for…thank you for providing when I’ve run dry of everything. Father God, I want to live a life pleasing to you…I want to become attached to you Father, where nothing can separate us, not even my own selfish desires. I want to be so focused on you that even when the entire world is taken away and crumbles at my feet, I won’t even notice. Thank you for saving me from who I was becoming. Nothing can repay all that you’ve given to me, but I will not stop giving thanks…for all you’ve done.

“I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.” –Ephesians 1:16

A New Visit

11/5/07

Last week was a busy week. Thursday we had a half day so I had time before play practice. I was tired, but I decided to head out to Winfield, where my mom's grave is. I hadn't been there in a while, and I've never been there by myself. With my own car to drive now, I really felt like it was time for me to go there by myself for once. Not really sure of how I was going to react, I headed out after school to Winfield Bible Chapel. Driving up through the cemetery, I didn't really know why I was there. I never really know what I'm going to do or think about when I'm there; it's a strange thing contemplate. It's really quiet out there, and on Thursday it was really beautiful outside. In past visits I've noticed how it's always been raining or snowing, never really a comforting time to be there. My family always wants to go and then get out of there, as if it was an extra thing to do, and now we're finally checking it off our list. It's always been really hard to express my feelings in front of them when it comes to going to the grave. But Thursday was different. It was clear, beautiful, and for the first time...I was alone. Driving up through the cemetery, the first thing I noticed was a brand new grave behind my mom's. I was reminded of the time that has passed, yet somehow it seems so fresh and new in my mind. I stood there trying to imagine how things would be different with her here. More so than ever, I felt this overwhelming wanting to see her face again. Standing there, in the midst of the silence, I read the headstone...Lynne Francis; I love that my middle name is named after her. BIRTH: March 15, 1958; same birthday as my cousin Chris, I remember how they would always celebrate it together. DEATH: May 6, 2000; a day I don't think I will ever forget. Mother of Shaw Children; I've read it before, but that day, it meant something different. As the wind blew and twisted in my hair, a tear stung my face. It was one of the few times I was crying because I genuinely missed her. I know that sounds really weird to hear, but sometimes it takes a really long time before you realize how a particular event, or moment in your life suddenly means so much to you, all at once.

I was replaying many things in my head...memories--the times where I watched her doodle on a piece of paper as she'd talk on the phone, other times where I'd cut out coupons for her before our next trip to the grocery store, and even the memories where my sister and I would fight for alone time with her as she went to buy groceries at the store. These were images that were faded to me because the bad memories are always easier to remember it seems like. But again, that day was different in a lot of ways. I was remembering the Sunday, after her death, at church. I remembered the overwhelming crowd of hands upon my family as people prayed over us. I started remembering some of their prayers...and as I stood there at the grave, I couldn't get over how the answers to these prayers, were finally being revealed to me. The pretty fall colors of the leaves on the trees swaying in the wind around me...it reminded me of something. What seemed like a really long time of going back to the grave and leaving with a broken heart, was changed in that moment. You may constantly visit the grave when it's snowing and raining, and when you're around people that don't want to express their feelings the same way you do...but these times don't last forever. There will be a day where the sun is shining bright, and the wind is moving, blowing the colorful leaves off their branches. There will be a day when you go alone, but you don't feel lonely because you finally feel the comfort and peace you've been longing for. There will be that day when the seasons are changing and your hope is renewed as beautiful memories flood your mind. And on that same day, you will drive away from the grave sweetly broken, with a new perspective, and although you're crying, you will realize the tears are not pouring from an aching heart, but from a healing heart with an overwhelming hope about your circumstances.

Living A Not So Ordinary Life...

Every day after school for the past month or so, a bunch of students from my school, including myself have been practicing for our upcoming production starting next week, Ordinary People. The more and more we practice and master characterizations, the more involved and excited I am about the play. As silly as that may sound, I find myself having so much fun being a part of this thing. I really regret not being a part of more plays in the past. But I know there's a great reason that I'm a part of this one. My friendships have deepened and I love it so much. Tonight after running through the show completely, most of the cast and crew stayed to watch the screen play (movie) of Ordinary People. Although I've come to realize the great impact of the play in and of itself, I became a lot more involved when I watched the movie. It was really powerful. I felt like I was the only one moved by it though. I get so involved and I often put myself in the place of that character feeling as if they were feeling. This all seems so silly, especially with having such a small part in the play myself, however there's something different about this play than I've ever seen or been a part of before. It's very realistic, hence the title. Just like ordinary people in the world. I guess I was just thinking about it, and relating it to my life. Conrad's (the main character) brother tragically dies in the story, and although his relationship with his mom is shallow and it is difficult to deal with his feelings, he makes it through...he realizes that there's more and that he's going to be okay.

I know I'm already past that point in my life...I know that thing's will be okay, but I've also realized on a different level that I'm not always going to be strong, and that's okay. Not everyone is always going to understand me either, and that's okay too. I was called to live a not so ordinary life, but a life that demands an explanation, and that's what I'm trying to do. It's really exciting making new and deeper friendships. And I love seeing the "irony" of the play and my life and how a lot of it seems to relate on some level. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I was just thinking and figured I'd write it out on here instead of in my journal. I haven't talked stuff out with someone in a while, and sometimes it helps to know someone is hearing me out, even if it is as indirect as this. Thanks for reading this, if you have.

A Psalm

This past weekend was the ALG Retreat at Summit Lake and it was so refreshing and inspiring. I loved learning, listening, being challenged, worshipping, laughing, playing...everything seemed to fall into place. I learned so much about life, about my brothers and sisters, and I couldn't get the importance of passion out of my head all weekend. It's always been so important to me that I stay passionate about everything I do for Jesus' name, and this weekend I got a bigger and better glimpse of what passion looks like. It inspired and motivated me to let out the passion I had inside. I have so many thoughts and feelings and I can't seem to explain them right now, but after replaying the weekend, I wouldn't change a single thing that happened. Saturday night we were asked to write out a psalm to God about the things on our heart in that moment and then we shared them. It was so powerful hearing all these different cries out to God. So personal, yet really encouraging. Encouraging each other in that we aren't alone in this journey. I figured I'd write out my psalm again on here. I was writing fast and I wasn't able to get all my thoughts on paper, but I know there's a reason for why I wrote this prayer in that moment. The Holy Spirit was very overpowering that night.


I feel so alive, but in a way that some wouldn't understand. My heart yearns, it longs to be with you. But the only reason for this is because of brokenness. Father, you know that in order for me to see just how much I need you--I need to be stripped of everything. That is where I find you, it's always where I've found you. My need for you in my life is so great, but I've found myself wanting you more and more. When the tears are streaming down my face and I'm crying to you. When I'm lonely, even with all these people around. When I overhear the pounding and yelling of my father's voice--the only way I can escape it is crying out to you. When I'm hurt, confused--when I don't always understand your reason behind everything. I can't always be strong, Daddy. I need your help--I need it more than ever. Give me strength to endure the pain with a joyful and triumphant heart. Give me the hope that can be spread to others. I praise you Father, even in the midst of it all, I still want to glorify your name.


"..there's no mistaken it's You.."

Saturday Morning

"On days like this,
When the clouds are moving
In the quiet blue sky with the loudest presence,
everything makes sense.
Everything feels okay.
Everything falls into place.
My emotions come to life.
My body feels like dancing.
My soul is on fire.
I feel brave enough to touch you.
The ground is sturdy enough to jump on.
The air is clean enough to breathe.
I can open my mouth, and taste feeling.
I can open my eyes and see hope.

On days like this:
I could press my hands over a ledge
I could kiss the air and I
Would sit on the cold, wet grass and stare out
to nowhere and see you everywhere."

9/11/01

Many people stop to remember what this day brought them six years ago. So many pictures, songs, videos, and stories that bring back the horrific feelings and dreadful thoughts. People say they’ll never forget where they were that day or what they were doing. They say that the heartache will never leave them and the tragic pictures will always be in their minds. For me, I can’t remember a lot because I didn’t understand. Nothing made sense—I was too young to know or even grasp what everything meant. Such a horrific thing and my little being had no idea. The lives that were lost, the hurt that was felt, the tears that were cried and the lessons that were learned. As the years passed and all was remembered—the pictures were the same and the hurt of a country still remained. The grief and sorrow was bigger than I understood and heavier than I could feel. Now, even six years later—I finally realize and I finally understand. For the first time, my heart breaks for innocent people, broken families, and a surviving country. As the nation thinks back to remember the hurt and loss that day—I stand in astonishment as if I’d never heard it before. So many lives, so much destruction, but still the many heroes will remain. They’re life-savors; hope-givers. They’re filled with courage, love, and faith. Faith in achieving. Faith in each other. Faith in a nation in all that it lost in just a few hours. Even though it took me years to comprehend—I’m thankful that I can now think and reflect on the stories, the pictures, and the heartache our nation felt so deeply. Above all let us not forget what the suffering brings. The hope our saviors have given to us. The beauty in hearing tragic losses and devastation with a voice of hope and a joyful spirit. Even in the dreadful reality of it all—a nation reaches out to each other with love…in a final understanding that love is why we’re here. Reaching out to each other through all the hatred and tragedy, to remind one another of a pure love and a great hope. One that, as clearly as a man’s hand reaches for another, our God reaches down to us as we remember devastation of this September day. He turns all the ash into beauty. He brings the dead to life. And He gives healing to the hurting. As our God has blessed us over and over again, even through all the pain—I pray, not for God to bless America; but may America bless God always—especially today.

A Cross Overlooking Creation

Really late last night, I was listening to some music and I heard an old, yet powerful song and wrote something about it, in remembrance of a time when we sang it at Camp Barnabas.

I just listened to an incredible song, "Here I am to Worship"...

here I am to worship
here I am to bow down
here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

It reminded me of a lot of things, one of them being a time at Barnabas where we sang it. It was Sunday morning and I remember the really cool breeze and the incredible view of creation at IP. My heart was fully aware of the words and I was singing the words with great meaning, just as I did again tonight. I remember singing them after a long week; singing 'here I am to worship' -- letting God know I was ready and prepared because I knew He'd already been working in and through me all week. I remember singing 'here I am to bow down'...reminded of the time during the week where I'd been stripped of everything, but God's mighty strength, forcing me to surrender myself before Him. 'Here I am to say that you're my God' -- proclaiming His name and who I was there to serve. With complete honesty I was able to shout that He is altogether lovely...noticing His ever-present creation before my very eyes, and His overwhelming presence in my heart. Singing: altogether worthy...remembering the things He's done for me...and replaying the special relationships and the ongoing laughs He'd been a part of all week, and He was so worthy of it all. Worthy of everything. And altogether wonderful to me. Gifting me in seeing such amazing love and being able to experience the true joy in serving others unselfishly, and humbling myself before God. So wonderful to me. And here and now I remember that time and that moment where we sang this song at camp...and here I sing it again, by myself, in the silence of my room, reminded of how worthy He is no matter where I am. And I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross. The cross that holds my sin and upon which my Savior died for me. And because of that He is altogether worthy and oh so lovely. What a wonderful cross...looking over creation. Such a beautiful picture that I will never forget. Just as plain and clear as it was at Barnabas--it is here in the stillness and quiet of my room--that the cross represents how low my Jesus stooped down just to save me, and now he is lifted so high, and is worthy of all praise. Thank you Jesus for the beautiful cross...may you be made famous through the life you gave me.

I Have A River...

I have a river
A river of life
Flowing inside of me
And it never runs dry
I have a treasure
A glorious prize
The spirit of God in me,
in an abundant supply

Jesus you are my living water
I'll NEVER need what this world offers
So I will rejoice, for you have made me glad

I want this world
to want what I have

Another Love Letter from the King

My Princess...
HEAR MY VOICE

I am always here for you. I'm never too busy to talk to you, My beloved. If you will turn off the things around you that drown out My voice, you will begin to hear Me in your spirit. When you don't know where to go, you will hear Me give you divine direction. When you are in need of a friend, you will hear Me whisper, "I am here." When you need comfort, you will hear Me call to you, "Come to Me." Don't let the voice of your own uncertainties distract you from My still, small voice. Quiet your spirit, and know that I am your Heavenly Father and you are My precious daughter--and I love when you listen to Me.

Love,

Your King and the Voice of heaven

Clear Night Skies

Last week I went camping with a bunch of families in Outer Banks, North Carolina. It was a blast! We endured swarms of mosquitoes, gallons of bugspray, sandy & wet tents, many fish (and huge stingrays), hardcore sunburn (well, I did anyway), and loud voices early in the morning when you are trying to sleep. It wouldn't have been camping without all these things. I enjoyed the long days out on the beach, the long walks to 'the point' (where all the waves from both sides of the beach came crashing together), the many wasted water bottles, the cool showers, the fantastic sunsets and bonfires out on the beach, and most of all...the beautiful dark sky every night. Almost every night we were there, I spent my time out on the campus playground, laying on my back, staring at the stars. I had never seen clearer nights before. And believe it or not, if you take enough time to stare at the sky during the night, you will see more shooting stars than you probably have ever seen in your lifetime. In the silence of the camp site and the brightness of the stars...I couldn't help but take advantage of it. I lie in wonder of it all, very curious as to how we can sleep under such a marvelous creation every night, yet never notice it. Later I wrote this to express my feelings on those amazing evenings, and so I could remember my amazing experiences under the stars that week...

The vast complexities of the sky overwhelm my every part. It's so simple, yet I am so unaware. Unaware of its complete beauty. Unaware of its incredible greatness. Unaware that no matter how much I contemplate it all, I will never be able to fully comprehend, describe, or contain any of it, completely. I stare in wonder, never fully realizing the power of your presence with all the distractions around me, I never thought my mind could be so still; my heart so calm. As much as my mind seemed to desire other things in that moment, my heart was focused on your truth, your promises, and your control in my life. How could I forget your plan for me?...the love that you so deeply express to me? As my heart yearned for other things...my focus shifted quickly as you reminded me of your special plan for my life. All of a sudden those things didn't matter anymore--I only yearned for you. In that moment I knew I needed your help and I needed you, but more importantly I wanted all that you had to offer. Lying there under those stars reminded me of your amazing power to change things. That evening sky reassured my trust in someone great. The soft, fresh smell of the air filled me up and gave me a new hope. The gentle, soft breeze reassured me of your unending comfort and love in all my circumstances. The silence of the night gave me peace and a calmness in my heart and my thoughts. The firm wood which I laid upon kept me secure and gave me strength to endure it all. And that amazing sparkle shooting across the dark night sky reminded me of my God's beauty, glory, and holiness. And with that I knew it was worth it...that the King of the universe was with me in that moment and He wasn't going to leave me. With every aspect of His glory revealed to me that very night, I knew I had the greatest treasure of all. And I was going to trust in that and hold it close. Confusion, brokenness, bitterness, anger... in the midst of it all, I will trust. Trust that your plan is bigger, better, and worth more than anything I could ever imagine.

This is how it feels to be held...

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

When the sacred is torn from my life...this is how it feels. Wow, but never did I think that I would feel so fulfilled at the same time. And it's all because of where the hurt has brought me. Because I realized that nothing else can bring me peace, nothing else can give me hope, in the way that I need it but this. It's not until you find yourself completely stripped of everything that you realize how much you cannot do it on your own. Although the reality of it all is heart-breaking...it's worth it. When I feel like nothing's left to hope for...I find myself mistaken. All of a sudden, things are calm, my thoughts are at peace, my heart is healed, and I am redeemed from my pain. This is what it is to be loved. To know that when I'm feeling this way, I will be held, rescued, and surrounded. Everything will be worked for the good of those who love him. I believe it. If this is what it takes, I'm all in. I've already learned so much, and yet there's still so much more to learn. This is only the beginning. And when that thought becomes overwhelming...I know my God will give me strength. When I feel like I've done everything I possibly can, and yet I still feel empty-handed, I know I can raise my empty hands high, in victory, in honor and in glory, all for my ever-reigning King. When I feel like I'm in this alone...my hope will be restored. Even at my lowest point. Deep within me I know there's a God that wants to lift me high...that wants to build me up so I can do the same for others. Even after the things I've felt...there's no way any of this compares to what was done for me...so that I might live. This life is worth it. This loneliness is worth it. This confusion, anger, frustration, and pain...it's all worth it. Why? Because it's bringing glory, honor, and praise to my God. Because He paid a much higher price. Because this is what He has required for me to grow and become more like him. Part of sharing God's glory is sharing His suffering. This is what it feels to have the sacred torn from my life, yet this is also how it feels to be held by my most gracious, magnificent, transcendent, most holy, and ever beautiful, mighty King. And that feeling is worth it. Finally, a feeling that never fades, ceases, or ends...but one that satisfies, loves, hopes, and comforts. And that's something worth holding onto, especially when my world falls away.

May 6, 2000

Exactly seven years ago, May 6, 2000 I lost someone very dear to me. I never thought it would get harder as the years past, but sometimes it just does. I thought this year would be okay. But then I realized that it wasn't, but it was going to be different from any other year. As weird as this may sound, for the first time I missed her, not for the sake of missing her, but because I need her. And even though I know being with her isn't possible right now, I know there is a reason for it beyond anything I can or will comprehend. During the church service yesterday morning, I was so overwhelmed with everything. It was like everything I've ever felt, thought about, known, and every memory came upon me. Again, I realized how this whole senario, what took place seven years ago, wasn't for me. It's all about my response to it, especially when things are the hardest...because I know it's glorifying God. And that's all that matters. I just can't get over how great things can become out of some of the most heart-breaking times. Right now I'm relying on pure faith because each day I'm being stretched even further. I need to trust that God will keep working through this, and where I am with my dad right now. The older I get, the more I realize how much she missed out in my life and vise versa. It's difficult, but I have to constantly remind myself that all these amazing people in my life now, will one day meet her, and that makes me really happy. I can't wait. Somebody once told me that if it's not okay, then it's not over. I believe it. I know God's not done yet. And I know this pain is so worth it, after what He did for me on the cross, and for what He promises me. I just can't wait until everybody can meet her. Oh, what a day that will be!

The best part of it all is that although sometimes I cry, it is all magnifying and glorifying the holy name of Jesus Christ.

Journey

Weekend 180 was amazing...to so many ends. I wish I could explain every last thing I enjoyed about this weekend, but I honestly couldn't...there were too many! I found myself so wrapped up in God's word through the different sessions we did. After each session we were challenged to 'hang our hammock' and respond to what we learned. Each time I just learned something so profound; something I never had learned or thought about before. There was something real about this weekend, and there was no doubt in my mind that it was Holy Spirit. This is just the things I wrote after each session, and it's the only way I could describe the feelings deep inside my heart.

Session 1: My Decision for the Journey
...I want to move. Without moving forward I know I will find myself stuck and unable to recover when I fall. It's just like I am physically--I can't stop moving, I'm always talking, running, jumping, laughing, crying, shouting. When I'm told to stay still I get frusterated, uneasy, figetty, angry, upset. That's the way I am spiritually too. If I'm not moving, I can't see the future God wants me to see, I won't be able to experience the new roads, new places, new ideas and new relationships God has in mind for me. When I choose to move my time will be expanded, my adventures lengthened, my experiences elaborated, and my relationships deepened. When I choose to move my life won't be boring because everything will always be different from before. When I choose to move my heart will be hurt, my ideas challenged, my beliefs tested, and my mind expanded. The more I'm willing to move, the more my life and my heart will be shaped. I've made a decision to move to glorify God and all that he is worth. As I talk I'm glorifying God, as I laugh I'm glorifying God, as I cry, shout, run, surrender--I am glorifying God. Even though I don't know what the future holds--as I move, God will be in the car as we journey...and he will be driving as I soak in the adventure around me.

Session 2: Focus
Heartache keeps my focus most right now. Without heartache I wouldn't realize who it is I need to rely on in order to survive. Heartache brings me to the point of brokeness when I realize I can't do it on my own. Heartache brings me to the point where I see and I feel it can't be done on my own. Without this, my focus wouldn't be where it is supposed to be right now. I want to focus on God. I want to look back at this and see where it leads me. I want to be a child of God so focused on Him, that when the world crumbles at my feet I won't even notice.

Session 3: On a Team
My calling is simple. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient; bearing one another in love, through love, with love. Make every effort to keep the unity. Not just when you feel like it, not just when things are good, but just the opposite too. Be patient when a situation is out of control. Be gentle when you're angry and you're about to explode. Be humble when all you want to do is think about yourself. Be loving when no one else wants to love; be loving when you don't want to love. Make peace when everything is chaotic and when it's so much easier to be angry or split apart. That's what it's about. Doing things that we don't want to do sometimes. Being the person that no one else wants to be. You know, it's not about me and it's not about what works for me, but about what glorifies God.

Dancing Freely

The rain pours over everything under the sky. The winds pick up more and more as the storm goes on. As the lightening strikes, it lights up everything around you. For a split second the dark night is brightened by a simple flash of light, fooling everyone who sees it. It’s almost as though it were day for nothing longer than a second. How fascinating. The winds whistle right in my ear—and the rain hits like pellets against my window. And there’s more—it’s not over. Shortly following each flash of light is a rumble so big and powerful. Sometimes it roars and other times it just softly echoes throughout the earth. The loud crack can sometimes be scary and surprising, but to just think of how beautiful. As the earth soaks in all the rain, it is satisfied. And the trees sway freely in the intense wind of the storm as if they were dancing amongst the rain…celebrating in the storm. The sound is like peace unto my ears as the rain falls, the wind blows, and the glorious thunder rumbles like a disturbance amongst all the worldly distractions. People pause and listen to what mother nature has in store for them tonight. It’s almost as if time has stopped, where all pause to watch and listen to creation’s song. In all of its force—God shines through yet again. This time putting on a show that most people don’t know they’re watching. And as the storm rolls out, the rain trickles and the thunder rumbles off in the distance—the light flashes every so often, and I sit and watch at such vast beauty. Even though on the outside the storms may be raging and the rain may be crashing—on the inside, I sit in silence and peace. For I know someone’s in control of the storm—and I couldn’t control it if I tried. I find joy in watching the trees dance amongst the rain. Even as the thunders roar they become carefree and hopeful as the heavens rain down upon them. I persevere and desire to be like that tree, every time a storm crosses my path. To stand firm and rooted in knowing my God has control. Tonight He chose to conduct such a storm for His own reasons, just as He does in our lives. But no matter how fierce the storm or how strong the winds—I will stand firm in knowing Someone bigger, Someone greater, and Someone better conducts the storms of my life. And better yet—He knows what He’s doing and has a plan in mind for every storm that hits. My job is to be just like that tree—to dance freely in the midst of the storm.

Love Letter From the King

My Princess...
TRUST ME WITH THOSE YOU LOVE

I know your heart, and I know how much you love those close to you. I am your Creator and the Giver of every good gift. I have given you loved ones to share your life with. But you, My child, must remember that those you love ultimately belong to Me--not to you. I didn't give you those special relationships to tear you apart or to control you through fear of the future. Like Abraham did with his only son, Isaac, I need you to open your heart and give back to Me those you love, Trust Me with everything that concerns you regarding them. Place your hand in Mine, and I promise I will walk you--and your loved ones--through all things this life brings.

Love,

Your trustworthy King

Snowfall

It's the first real snowfall of the year. Everything blankets in a soft white; untouched. But as everything seems to fall asleep this winter, it's still more beautiful than ever. The sun rises, just as it does every morning, bringing so much light and joy. It shine's on all things covered in white, bringing beauty to the things that appear dead. Giving them life when all that surrounds is frigid cold. The sun shine's bright, beams bursting through my bedroom window. Giving my hair a new shine and warming my body in a new way. The flakes randomly fall from the branches of the tree outside my window. Each one, laying ever so gently on the soft ground. I watch, yet ponder on how something so small could bring so much beauty and peace to a loud world. And even though we can't see each one closely, they are all so different and so complex. Even so, you are displayed in it all. And this is not the last--your grace will keep falling. Your warmth will keep satisfying. Your love will keep covering. Your beauty will keep the peace. And your marvelous light will keep shining through my window, every day.