This is how it feels to be held...

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

When the sacred is torn from my life...this is how it feels. Wow, but never did I think that I would feel so fulfilled at the same time. And it's all because of where the hurt has brought me. Because I realized that nothing else can bring me peace, nothing else can give me hope, in the way that I need it but this. It's not until you find yourself completely stripped of everything that you realize how much you cannot do it on your own. Although the reality of it all is heart-breaking...it's worth it. When I feel like nothing's left to hope for...I find myself mistaken. All of a sudden, things are calm, my thoughts are at peace, my heart is healed, and I am redeemed from my pain. This is what it is to be loved. To know that when I'm feeling this way, I will be held, rescued, and surrounded. Everything will be worked for the good of those who love him. I believe it. If this is what it takes, I'm all in. I've already learned so much, and yet there's still so much more to learn. This is only the beginning. And when that thought becomes overwhelming...I know my God will give me strength. When I feel like I've done everything I possibly can, and yet I still feel empty-handed, I know I can raise my empty hands high, in victory, in honor and in glory, all for my ever-reigning King. When I feel like I'm in this alone...my hope will be restored. Even at my lowest point. Deep within me I know there's a God that wants to lift me high...that wants to build me up so I can do the same for others. Even after the things I've felt...there's no way any of this compares to what was done for me...so that I might live. This life is worth it. This loneliness is worth it. This confusion, anger, frustration, and pain...it's all worth it. Why? Because it's bringing glory, honor, and praise to my God. Because He paid a much higher price. Because this is what He has required for me to grow and become more like him. Part of sharing God's glory is sharing His suffering. This is what it feels to have the sacred torn from my life, yet this is also how it feels to be held by my most gracious, magnificent, transcendent, most holy, and ever beautiful, mighty King. And that feeling is worth it. Finally, a feeling that never fades, ceases, or ends...but one that satisfies, loves, hopes, and comforts. And that's something worth holding onto, especially when my world falls away.

May 6, 2000

Exactly seven years ago, May 6, 2000 I lost someone very dear to me. I never thought it would get harder as the years past, but sometimes it just does. I thought this year would be okay. But then I realized that it wasn't, but it was going to be different from any other year. As weird as this may sound, for the first time I missed her, not for the sake of missing her, but because I need her. And even though I know being with her isn't possible right now, I know there is a reason for it beyond anything I can or will comprehend. During the church service yesterday morning, I was so overwhelmed with everything. It was like everything I've ever felt, thought about, known, and every memory came upon me. Again, I realized how this whole senario, what took place seven years ago, wasn't for me. It's all about my response to it, especially when things are the hardest...because I know it's glorifying God. And that's all that matters. I just can't get over how great things can become out of some of the most heart-breaking times. Right now I'm relying on pure faith because each day I'm being stretched even further. I need to trust that God will keep working through this, and where I am with my dad right now. The older I get, the more I realize how much she missed out in my life and vise versa. It's difficult, but I have to constantly remind myself that all these amazing people in my life now, will one day meet her, and that makes me really happy. I can't wait. Somebody once told me that if it's not okay, then it's not over. I believe it. I know God's not done yet. And I know this pain is so worth it, after what He did for me on the cross, and for what He promises me. I just can't wait until everybody can meet her. Oh, what a day that will be!

The best part of it all is that although sometimes I cry, it is all magnifying and glorifying the holy name of Jesus Christ.