Happy Thanksgiving!

I have not stopped giving thanks because you have given me so much. I cannot stop giving thanks because you paid the ultimate sacrifice. This life is nothing compared to eternity, but I will do everything I can to live it back for you. I give you thanks because you have brought me alive, and saved me from death. I must not forget to keep giving thanks because you continue to give to me the gift of love and grace. I’m not worthy of any of it, but that’s why I want to thank you with my life. Thank you for your unfailing love that loves me all the same despite the things I do. Thank you for your creation…the sun that brings heat and the light to the world. The night sky that is more vast and complex than I could ever imagine. And for everything beyond the earth, even the beautiful things I cannot and will not be able to ever see. Their beauty is beyond anything I could ever grasp. Thank you for the life you’ve given me…with all you’ve taught me through it, and I even give thanks for the things I have yet to learn. Thank you for brokenness and pain. For you use these things to shape me into the masterpiece you have in mind. Without the trials it wouldn’t set me apart from the rest of this world, it is developing me into a more Christ-like figure. Thank you for grace. Without it my life would be worthless, I would be worthless…but your grace promises forgiveness and takes me back even in the worst of situations, when I feel utterly helpless. Thank you for the blessings you overflow in my life. For simply giving me joy and putting a smile on my face. Allowing me to laugh in uncertainty. Giving me courage and strength to face a broken world with your love. My God, thank you for showing me the good that comes out of bad. For giving my life purpose, and teaching me to live it by faith. Thank you Father for a family that loves me and teaches me. For brothers and sisters who care and walk with me on this dangerous path. Thank you for giving me the desires my heart longs for…thank you for providing when I’ve run dry of everything. Father God, I want to live a life pleasing to you…I want to become attached to you Father, where nothing can separate us, not even my own selfish desires. I want to be so focused on you that even when the entire world is taken away and crumbles at my feet, I won’t even notice. Thank you for saving me from who I was becoming. Nothing can repay all that you’ve given to me, but I will not stop giving thanks…for all you’ve done.

“I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.” –Ephesians 1:16

A New Visit

11/5/07

Last week was a busy week. Thursday we had a half day so I had time before play practice. I was tired, but I decided to head out to Winfield, where my mom's grave is. I hadn't been there in a while, and I've never been there by myself. With my own car to drive now, I really felt like it was time for me to go there by myself for once. Not really sure of how I was going to react, I headed out after school to Winfield Bible Chapel. Driving up through the cemetery, I didn't really know why I was there. I never really know what I'm going to do or think about when I'm there; it's a strange thing contemplate. It's really quiet out there, and on Thursday it was really beautiful outside. In past visits I've noticed how it's always been raining or snowing, never really a comforting time to be there. My family always wants to go and then get out of there, as if it was an extra thing to do, and now we're finally checking it off our list. It's always been really hard to express my feelings in front of them when it comes to going to the grave. But Thursday was different. It was clear, beautiful, and for the first time...I was alone. Driving up through the cemetery, the first thing I noticed was a brand new grave behind my mom's. I was reminded of the time that has passed, yet somehow it seems so fresh and new in my mind. I stood there trying to imagine how things would be different with her here. More so than ever, I felt this overwhelming wanting to see her face again. Standing there, in the midst of the silence, I read the headstone...Lynne Francis; I love that my middle name is named after her. BIRTH: March 15, 1958; same birthday as my cousin Chris, I remember how they would always celebrate it together. DEATH: May 6, 2000; a day I don't think I will ever forget. Mother of Shaw Children; I've read it before, but that day, it meant something different. As the wind blew and twisted in my hair, a tear stung my face. It was one of the few times I was crying because I genuinely missed her. I know that sounds really weird to hear, but sometimes it takes a really long time before you realize how a particular event, or moment in your life suddenly means so much to you, all at once.

I was replaying many things in my head...memories--the times where I watched her doodle on a piece of paper as she'd talk on the phone, other times where I'd cut out coupons for her before our next trip to the grocery store, and even the memories where my sister and I would fight for alone time with her as she went to buy groceries at the store. These were images that were faded to me because the bad memories are always easier to remember it seems like. But again, that day was different in a lot of ways. I was remembering the Sunday, after her death, at church. I remembered the overwhelming crowd of hands upon my family as people prayed over us. I started remembering some of their prayers...and as I stood there at the grave, I couldn't get over how the answers to these prayers, were finally being revealed to me. The pretty fall colors of the leaves on the trees swaying in the wind around me...it reminded me of something. What seemed like a really long time of going back to the grave and leaving with a broken heart, was changed in that moment. You may constantly visit the grave when it's snowing and raining, and when you're around people that don't want to express their feelings the same way you do...but these times don't last forever. There will be a day where the sun is shining bright, and the wind is moving, blowing the colorful leaves off their branches. There will be a day when you go alone, but you don't feel lonely because you finally feel the comfort and peace you've been longing for. There will be that day when the seasons are changing and your hope is renewed as beautiful memories flood your mind. And on that same day, you will drive away from the grave sweetly broken, with a new perspective, and although you're crying, you will realize the tears are not pouring from an aching heart, but from a healing heart with an overwhelming hope about your circumstances.