For such a time as this...

If only I could begin to explain the way I've been feeling this past week. It's hard to put it all into words. I've been struggling to find the words to write down in my own journal. I've felt unbelief, pain, fear, confusion, anger even ... and although some of these feelings continue to exist, I've also felt joy, strength, love, wonder, and wisdom all flow through me at the same time. I've never tried so much to fathom the greatness of heaven and the beauty of it all, but it's a wonderful thing to be able to talk about it amongst some of the greatest people in my life. I've cried, talked, watched, laughed, greeted, and watched as so many people gathered to do the same with one another. It's amazing to me how God can transform our lives in an instant, and our hearts forever. I've never wanted to be around people so much in my life. There's something powerful about coming together and encouraging one another when the world has forced us to face another life-altering heartbreak. But through it all, I've never felt more alive in my life. I'm writing more, I'm loving deeper, I'm saying the things I normally wouldn't say, I'm taking the time to be authentic when somebody asks me how I am, I'm encouraging my friends more often, even when they're life is going great, I'm finding myself talking about Jesus more and the gift that I have, and more than ever before, I'm understanding my purpose here and the power of my story.

I had someone (thanks Katie!) remind me just the other day of the verse in Esther that says, "You were born for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). Esther was a Jewish girl, chosen to be in King Xerxes royal harem and eventually she became a queen because Xerxes liked her so much. At some point a man named Haman decided he wanted to destroy all the Jews in the kingdom. He became second-in-command in the empire and deceived the king into agreeing to an edict condemning all Jews to death. Esther's cousin pleaded with her to do something about this, since she was the Queen. But at this point, no one knew she was Jewish. She at first didn't want to because to step into the presence of the king without his asking, meant certain death. She was very afraid. And her cousin, Mordechai, said to her, "If you remain silent, relief and deliverance will arise from another place...and who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

Wow. What a story. I can't get it out of my head. And at this time in my life, God is revealing so much to me about my story and my life, and why I'm here. Just like Esther, I was born for such a time as this. Even though I may never have all the answers and may never fully comprehend the way God works and why some of the most beautiful people are taken away from us--I am still reminded how temporary my life is, and how one day I'll be taken from this earth too. I won't be able to choose how or when I die, but I can choose to live for Christ, and continue to glorify my Jesus in my impact and influence in other people's lives right now. I was made for right now, for a time such as this. What an encouraging thought.

Even through all the hurt and confusion, sometimes it feels wrong to be joyful, but you know what? That's the devil trying to interfere with a beautiful thing. Joy in tragedy. It is beautiful. And I'm so overjoyed to know a God who can do all things, and a God that never has anything catch Him by surprise. A God that makes way for spring in our darkest winter. I am blessed to be walking this journey with all of you. I love you more than I could ever put into words.