A New Visit

11/5/07

Last week was a busy week. Thursday we had a half day so I had time before play practice. I was tired, but I decided to head out to Winfield, where my mom's grave is. I hadn't been there in a while, and I've never been there by myself. With my own car to drive now, I really felt like it was time for me to go there by myself for once. Not really sure of how I was going to react, I headed out after school to Winfield Bible Chapel. Driving up through the cemetery, I didn't really know why I was there. I never really know what I'm going to do or think about when I'm there; it's a strange thing contemplate. It's really quiet out there, and on Thursday it was really beautiful outside. In past visits I've noticed how it's always been raining or snowing, never really a comforting time to be there. My family always wants to go and then get out of there, as if it was an extra thing to do, and now we're finally checking it off our list. It's always been really hard to express my feelings in front of them when it comes to going to the grave. But Thursday was different. It was clear, beautiful, and for the first time...I was alone. Driving up through the cemetery, the first thing I noticed was a brand new grave behind my mom's. I was reminded of the time that has passed, yet somehow it seems so fresh and new in my mind. I stood there trying to imagine how things would be different with her here. More so than ever, I felt this overwhelming wanting to see her face again. Standing there, in the midst of the silence, I read the headstone...Lynne Francis; I love that my middle name is named after her. BIRTH: March 15, 1958; same birthday as my cousin Chris, I remember how they would always celebrate it together. DEATH: May 6, 2000; a day I don't think I will ever forget. Mother of Shaw Children; I've read it before, but that day, it meant something different. As the wind blew and twisted in my hair, a tear stung my face. It was one of the few times I was crying because I genuinely missed her. I know that sounds really weird to hear, but sometimes it takes a really long time before you realize how a particular event, or moment in your life suddenly means so much to you, all at once.

I was replaying many things in my head...memories--the times where I watched her doodle on a piece of paper as she'd talk on the phone, other times where I'd cut out coupons for her before our next trip to the grocery store, and even the memories where my sister and I would fight for alone time with her as she went to buy groceries at the store. These were images that were faded to me because the bad memories are always easier to remember it seems like. But again, that day was different in a lot of ways. I was remembering the Sunday, after her death, at church. I remembered the overwhelming crowd of hands upon my family as people prayed over us. I started remembering some of their prayers...and as I stood there at the grave, I couldn't get over how the answers to these prayers, were finally being revealed to me. The pretty fall colors of the leaves on the trees swaying in the wind around me...it reminded me of something. What seemed like a really long time of going back to the grave and leaving with a broken heart, was changed in that moment. You may constantly visit the grave when it's snowing and raining, and when you're around people that don't want to express their feelings the same way you do...but these times don't last forever. There will be a day where the sun is shining bright, and the wind is moving, blowing the colorful leaves off their branches. There will be a day when you go alone, but you don't feel lonely because you finally feel the comfort and peace you've been longing for. There will be that day when the seasons are changing and your hope is renewed as beautiful memories flood your mind. And on that same day, you will drive away from the grave sweetly broken, with a new perspective, and although you're crying, you will realize the tears are not pouring from an aching heart, but from a healing heart with an overwhelming hope about your circumstances.