A Take On Life...

He Remains the Same

2009-02-08T15:09:00.004-05:00

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death,
You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

This past week was a crazy week, to describe it vaugly. It went from one extreme to the other, constantly finding out new information, learning a lot, facing challenging circumstances, becoming excited about the future and terrified all in different ways. A couple weeks back I wrote a blog about my dad and how he thought he was going to lose his job, and I was praising God that he didn't. I also wrote in the blog about what would happen if my dad had come home that day unemployed, how it would have all "still been about Jesus". It's amazing to me how God uses me to write to myself in the future. It's happened more than once before, where I will journal something or share something with a friend, and after some time has passed, I look back on it and see the "application experience" God was preparing me for. Looking back on that blog I wrote a few weeks ago, it couldn't be more perfect for this moment and time in my life. My dad called me this week, and "broke the news to me". The thing he had feared just a couple weeks before when I wrote this note, happened. I keep reading these words:

"Even if my dad had walked into our home this afternoon, unemployed, it would have still been about Jesus. It all revolves around Him, in all of His glory. God does have control, so what good would it have done for me not to trust Him? If it is going to go His way no matter how much I worry, or fret, or try to change things, in the end, His way goes. Over the years I've learned to truly trust in the plan that is HIS. Yes, even if that means facing and enduring the things that are completely unknown. At least I know who my Provider is. Whether I have the money to pay for the next semester's education or not, whether my dad's income ceases while trying to raise his kids, or whether he gets to keep his job and is offered better benefits. . .whether death comes to our closest loved one or whether a dear friend gives birth and life to a precious soul--no matter what the circumstance--I've come to see all these things as blessings. Some are slightly disguised as our eyes are blinded to God's plan, but they all were in the works from the beginning."

This was what I wrote...but more like what God wrote to me, before it even happened. At least I know who my Provider is. It's true. And I have the freedom and joy of getting to know Him more and more each day. I will choose to do that, and trust in it all. I think I decided to write this note tonight because I have no doubt that God wants His children to know that He is always there...always providing...always worth trusting...and ALWAYS faithful. And incase you may be forgetting, or losing sight of that at this point in your walk...I wanted to remind you. Just as I've been reminded.

He is good. . .ALL the time.

We sing it and read it over and over, but do we mean it? I know I do. He doesn't change, even when my circumstances do. He remains the same. And that's comforting, for sure.

My Dream

2009-01-17T15:12:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I took a nap after my classes until dinner. I was very tired. I found myself falling into a dream. I wish I could remember all the little details because I know that there was more to it than what I can remember, but from the things I can remember, I wanted to share.

I was in this pretty big building with a bunch of other people. I remember recognizing a few individuals, but I can't remember who they were. Everyone was wearing the same colored clothing besides me and one other person. The other individual and myself were in different colored clothing from each other and from all the other people. I recall her wearing a red and white polka-dotted dress, and I think I was wearing green. Everyone was trying to figure out why we were dressed in different clothing, and why they were all dressed the same. After a while they realized it was because all the people dressed the same weren't trusting and following Jesus, even though they thought they were. I remember falling to my knees and praying for them, and as I began to pray the lady in the polka-dotted dress came up, took my hand, and kissed me on the head. Following her, each and every other person in the room did the same. As they kissed me, or made contact with me in some way, I watched as their clothing changed into their own, as if they had finally found their identity in Christ. I began to weep in my position on the floor.

That was the end of my dream as Amy woke me up for dinner, but I was just fascinated to find myself dreaming such a thing. I don't doubt it was any coincidence. I just need to keep praying. . .

A World that Doesn't Revolve Around Me...

2009-01-09T11:45:00.000-05:00

Last night I was praying that my father wouldn't lose his job, and I woke up this morning to find out that what my dad had feared would happen this morning at a meeting, did not. I am thankful on so many levels. I've walked through a lot of things the past 18 years of my life and I've learned that it all revolves around Jesus. Even if my dad had walked into our home this afternoon, unemployed, it would have still been about Jesus. It all revolves around Him, in all of His glory. God does have control, so what good would it have done for me not to trust Him? If it is going to go His way no matter how much I worry, or fret, or try to change things, in the end, His way goes. Over the years I've learned to truly trust in the plan that is HIS. Yes, even if that means facing and enduring the things that are completely unknown. At least I know who my Provider is. Whether I have the money to pay for the next semester's education or not, whether my dad's income ceases while trying to raise his kids, or whether he gets to keep his job and is offered better benefits. . .whether death comes to our closest loved one or whether a dear friend gives birth and life to a precious soul--no matter what the circumstance--I've come to see all these things as blessings. Some are slightly disguised as our eyes are blinded to God's plan, but they all were in the works from the beginning.

This morning when I woke up, the sun couldn't have been shining more obnoxiously in my face. And then I thought how sometimes I feel like God does that when we go to count our blessings--He couldn't be more obvious. But in our own ways, we turn to our other side, or we place a pillow over our eyes and go back to sleep. We ignore or purposely block out the way we've been blessed, and focus on the ways we "have not". Thank you Father for opening my eyes to see your work in my life. Thank you for all the things I've endured, only to realize their immense blessing now as I pray this to you. I pray that you would miraculously work in the lives of those reading this, and open their eyes to see your light. You are working, it is just up to us to look Your way. I pray that we would realize that, and continually remove the pillow from our eyes, and wake up. I love you so much. Thank you for blessing my life so richly, and thank you for those blessings yet to come. In your precious name I pray--amen.

What A Gift

2008-12-26T16:27:00.007-05:00

It has been such a long time since I've written on here. Between schoolwork and the business of everything it's been hard to find time to blog. I don't know how many people keep up with this anyway, but so many things have traveled through my head that I wish I could write them all down right now, right here.

I am officially finished my first semester of college. It seemed like the longest AND quickest time to pass in my life. I love being back at home...just resting, not having to worry about schoolwork, and simply enjoying the spontaneity of this break. Christmas came and went so quickly. It's amazing how we work so hard to get everything ready for one day and then it's gone in a flash. I think Christmas Eve was the best day. I spent most of my time at the church helping out with all the services. I've really enjoyed these Light of the World sermons, especially when Christmas is involved. During the Christmas eve service Joe talked about darkness versus light and defined them both. He described darkness as anything that hinders us from moving closer to God and enjoying Him. That can be anything and everything. It's amazing how easy it is to fall into darkness. Even as I do this Reset experiment with the middle and high schoolers I find myself so consumed with the things I am doing that I pretty much ignore God. It's not that I'm doing it on purpose more than it is just a habit that I've made. The whole purpose of this experiment, however, is to break that habit and form a new one by taking that reminder and listening for God consciously...and I think it's working. Anyway, Joe also described light as the remarkable discovery that we find life through a personal relationship with Jesus. It's so interesting how as a believer I can still experience many times of darkness and days of light. This relationship that I've been offered in Jesus is a gift...something I can choose to be a part of or not. Something that really struck me though was when Joe talked about this gift. He reminded me how a gift is always something that is free, and to say the words "free gift" together is to be redundant. He talked about how there is something in everyone that is fascinated by gifts. . .and it's so true! Who doesn't enjoy a nice gift? We all love them! And the best part is that we never give money back to the person who buys a gift for us...that would defeat the purpose of a gift. We aren't worthy of any of the gifts we receive, they are just given with grace. For God to send His son to die on the cross in place of us is His "free gift" to us. God took advantage of our endearment for gifts and gave us just that, a preciously wrapped gift in the form of a baby, so that when we really unwrap the entire thing, we see just how much we love it, and are forever grateful for it. I hope you were able to unwrap the gift of baby Jesus this Christmas and meditate on its value. God sending His very own son to this earth with the very purpose of His death in mind from the start is love. And for Him to show up, not as this mighty man, with a big and bold entrance (which He could have very well done), but in the form of a weak, innocent baby in a little stable in Bethlehem is genius. Pure genius.

I Have A Reason to Sing...

2008-11-13T10:00:00.005-05:00

Okay so its been almost one month since I've updated. It's amazing how fast time goes (but also how slow it goes...) depending on what I'm talking about. School is crazy, both in a good and bad way. I am learning so much as I shared in my last blog, and I just got my Western Civ test back on Tuesday (yes, the class I was so nervous about in the beginning) and I got a B+! It's not necessarily the grade I am so excited about, just the fact that I am improving and learning A LOT! But this also means I have to keep it up for the rest of this semester and next semester as well (a continuation of Western Civ with the same Prof). I know I can do it though. Anyway...I've constantly thought about blogging especially recentely as I've had many new things revealed to me. I've had a lot of thoughts but everytime I go to write about them on here, something new comes to my mind...there are so many things to think about! Don't worry, it's a good thing. So where do I start? I don't know...I'm just going to ramble for a bit...keep reading if you wish :)

God has opened my mind to new things and has paved a new path for me in direction. I know I don't have to figure it all out right now but the truth is that it's all been right there, it's just a matter of me tapping into my passions and figuring out exactly what they are. I am looking into communications. What is better than learning about how to communicate for a lifetime? haha. I enjoy talking, writing, acting and I know it couldn't hurt to see what that means for me. I've thought a lot recentely about what it means for me to talk like Jesus and about Jesus, not just show Him through my actions, although all these are VERY important. I want to be able to stand up whether in front of a group of people, or in a simple conversation with one person, and I want to be able to share God's truth. This is something I've always wanted, it's always been my passion and I can't escape that. What does that mean for me right now? I'm not sure...but I'm definitely exploring it and talking to God about it. It is a journey, that's for sure...

Something else that I've run into a lot here at Houghton are many conversations/arguments where people are discussing God and our response to Him. It's as though they are trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong in how we respond and worship to Jesus. There's a lot to that, of course, but there's something there that doesn't settle right with me. This morning at breakfast I sat down with a group of people who were discussing worship and the songs that we sing. They were talking about how a lot of the songs we sing these days do not emphasize the "bad". By that they meant that most songs are only proclaiming our hope and delight, and there aren't songs that speak of our "authentic emotions" as they put it. They said that it is rare that we find songs that speak of our anger at God or disappointment or whatever the emotion may be. I agree that there aren't many songs that say that, however I disagree with the fact that the lyrics in songs are not authentic because I believe they definitely are. I totally understand what they are referring to when they say everything always seems "happy" when they listen to a Christian radio station, but at the same time it's not necessarily that they are trying to portray a "happy" emotion as they are trying to portray a hopeful lifestyle, an alternative. Although the psalms are filled with songs expressing anger and frustration towards God, and we should be authentic in that sense, I truly believe that the songs we sing in church, the songs we hear on the radio, or the songs we sing to while we get ready in the morning are not being dishonest, or lacking authenticity be any means. I believe they are filled with truth and praise all the same. I've heard many people tell me that when they are in church sometimes they just don't sing the songs because they don't want to sing anything they don't feel or mean, which I've done before as well, but at the same time we can still sing songs of praise (even when we are mad, frustrated, upset, etc with God) because we are singing words that express our desire to want to be free of the anger, we sing because we long to worship God because He is worthy of our praise, not because we don't feel like it. He just is worthy. We can still sing truth to God without being completely pleased with Him...we still love Him, don't we? When I am upset with my dad, for example, I don't really want to yell and scream at him, although it is human of me to do so...but in the end I still love him. The same thing happens with God. We can yell and scream at Him, God can handle that, He wants us to be authentic with Him, but we don't desire to be angry with Him and sing songs of hatred, we desire to still worship Him and love Him despite it all, in light of what He's done for us. I don't think we are being dishonest when we sing songs of worship when we aren't exactly feeling what we are saying, we sing because we desire to worship Him and we long for Him to intercede. We can still be honest with God on paper, in prayer, and in song...but I don't think it's wrong to have all these hopeful songs that speak of God's immense love, hope, and glory. When we hear them on the radio, although it can be a bit cheesy at times (a little too "lovey-dovey" if you know what I mean), I still think that those stations are there for more of a witness than anything else. I love singing hopeful songs because it put things into perspective...it reminds me that I only have Jesus, that I am unworthy, but I am still loved...that I have a God who died for me, and now He's worthy of all of me. Although songs are the smallest amount of worship...He's still worthy of it.

All of my life, in every season, You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

A Little History...

2008-10-14T09:21:00.008-05:00

For the past seven weeks I've been taking Western Civilization. I'm not much of a history-buff, probably because I've never really had a very good teacher, so I've never really learned a lot. This year is different. I've got one of the hardest professors here at Houghton, but you know what? ...I am learning a lot, and that's what this is about. There are a few things that worry me about this class regarding my grade and how that will affect my GPA, therefore, affecting whether or not I keep the scholarships I need to maintain to stay here. That's uncomfortable, but as I wrestle with this, I know that I am here to learn, and I am learning a lot in this class...more than I ever have before. Anyway, we just started learning about the rise of Christianity. This is a really captivating topic for me. Today we talked about the bible, and how the books that we read in the bible today, actually made it there. It's so interesting how they determined what books were the "canon" and which ones were not. It's amazing how the Romans deliberated and argued for centuries about whether Revelations should be a part of the bible, and even Hebrews and 2 & 3 John. Many books were dismissed...but all the ones we know today made it through. How did this happen? ...It is said that these deliberations and arguments about what books should be a part of the canon was guided by the Holy Spirit. Is it any wonder? Of course it was! It's just so fascinating for me to learn about the oringinal documents that have been passed down from generation to generation, in which now sits on my desk right next to me. The following reading is from my western civilization textbook. When I was reading it for homework one day...I was just very fascinated.

"Christianity grew slowly in the first century, took root in the second, and had spread widely by the third. Why was Christianity able to attract so many followers? Historians are not really sure but have offered several answers. Certainly, the Christian message had much to offer the Roman world. The promise of salvation, made possible by Jesus' death and resurrection, had immense appeal in a world full of suffering and injustice. Christianity seemed to imbue life with a meaning and purpose beyond the simple material things of everyday reality. Second, Christianity was not entirely unfamiliar. It could be viewed as simply another eastern mystery religion, offering immortality as the result of the sacrificial death of a savior-god. At the same time, it offered advantages that the other mystery religions lacked. Jesus had been a human figure, not a mythological one. Moreover, Christianity had universal appeal. It was not restricted to men. Furthermore, it did not require a difficult or expensive initiation rite as other mystery religions did. Christianity gave new meaning to life and offered what the Roman state religions could not--a personal relationship with God. Finally Christianity fulfilled the human need to belong.
Christians formed communities bound to one another in which people could express their love by helping each other and offering assistance to the poor, sick, widows, and orphans. Christianity proved attractive to all classes. The promise of eternal life was for all." Western Civilization, Spielvogel

Cool, huh? One more thing that I learned today during my professor's lecture was about the paper that these scriptures were written on, the pages bound together to create the bible as we know it today. The scriptures were not just written on any ordinary paper, but extremely expensive paper...paper that they only used for extremely important documentation. They knew that the canon was important. They knew that these words held good news for the world, and for the rest of time on earth. That's pretty incredible. My bible is the real deal. The same words that brought hope to people in Rome, brings hope and encouragement to me today...now that's cool.

Giving Grace Freely

2008-10-05T16:02:00.006-05:00

This has been one crazy week. Homecoming was this weekend, and I have never seen a school so prepared and fired up before. My Thursday night, Friday and Saturday were pretty much booked all the way through; something was going on at every moment of the day. It was a lot of fun to be a part of Houghton's 125th Anniversary. I've been taking today off to rest, like usual, but I am worn out. It's going to be hard to "catch up" on sleep if you know what I mean. Anyway, there was a lot of stuff that happened for homecoming and everything that I could blog about today, but I really just wanted to tell you about a lesson I learned this week.

This week, I learned exactly what it means to give grace. I've given grace before, but for some reason it was much harder this time around. This week I was challenged to give grace in a way I've never had to before, and it was a real challenge. But to truly give grace is always hard, isn't it? Or is it? I think the more we become like Christ, the easier we find it for us to gracious. Naturally, it is very hard to give others grace, no doubt, but this process doesn't come easily because we're not Jesus. We need to study, learn, and follow Jesus in order to start to take on His ways and act like Him. I learned this week that in the hardest times...the times where a person or group of people repeatedly disappoint you, the times you find it hardest to forgive, the times where you find yourself surrounded by the lies of another person...these are the times where true grace shines brightest. When I looked up the word 'grace' in the dictionary, I found many varying definitions. One that stuck out to me read: "divine love and protection bestowed freely on people". That's a good definition. But that forced me to look up the word 'divine' which was defined as "of or pertaining to God; extremely good, unusually lovely". Grace is extremely good love, that of God, which is bestowed freely on people. Wow. That's an even better definition. This week I was taught how to do that, I learned how to give grace...not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

I wanted to be a child of God, mimicking His ways. My heart hurt, but I needed to move beyond that, and it required a strength beyond my own. What was interesting when I looked up the definition for grace, there was a second part of the definition that is so obvious, yet disregarded by many, even myself. It read: "grace: an excellence or power granted by God". That is probably the most important part of grace. The fact is that we can't do this act without God's power. It isn't our nature to give grace, mercy, or to forgive. When we do it, we do it because God gives us the strength and the power. Most importantly, we do it because God gives us grace everyday. I think that's what stuck out most to me, the fact that I should give grace freely because I get grace freely. It took a while, but I finally realized that it was something I wanted to do. If it meant being like Christ, adopting His ways, living like Jesus did, then I was all in. It was dumb not to do something just because it was hard. . .it was because it was hard that I knew I needed to do it. The way Jesus lived wasn't easy, which leads me to believe that all the things that I instictively want to shy away from, are probably the things I should be facing head on.

This week I learned how to give grace, and I don't regret it at all, although it's still hard to do on a daily basis, I am learning. I can't forget that I am given grace every day by a God who doesn't have to, but chooses to.

Two Very Special Friends...

2008-09-21T13:33:00.017-05:00

These two are very special to me, and I can't hide it, so I've decided to dedicate a blog to them...it's the least I can do. Over the past few years, I've gotten so close to Jason and Rachel and they've blessed my life in more ways than one. Last Thursday I got a call from these two, which I thought was just another update call and discussion about all the things that have been happening in our lives while I've been away. And it was indeed just that, but their update was some of the most exciting news I've ever heard!! If you have not yet heard, please stop reading this and go read Jason & Rachel's blog FIRST. This blog isn't to tell you about that, (although I am so very excited!) however it is to lift them up and thank them for being such amazing friends to me. They've both filled my life with so much love and laughter. I've enjoyed every minute of the many laughs and random adventures and excursions we've experienced together. I wouldn't trade them for the world!

Jason--you've spoke countless words of wisdom and I've taken each and every one of them to heart. You've challenged me in your sermons and our private conversations. You've found amazing ways to encourage me through your uplifting words and by putting a smile on my face with your many silly jokes. I absolutely love your spontaneity, especially when I'm included :). I love that we can watch and re-watch Jim Gaffigan videos countless times, and still laugh the same. You mean so much to me.

Rachel--I love so much about you. You've been one amazing sister, mother, and friend. You challenge me and help me through the roughest times, and I really need that. You're a big part of the reason why I'm at Houghton, and you've helped me make some of the hardest decisions, and do the things I typically don't want to do. Thank you for that. I love that we are running buddies, and that we can share that together. Thanks for the delicious meals you've made for me, and for laughing with me constantly.

When it comes down to it...I adore you both SO much!

Please take some time to comment about Jason and/or Rachel to tell of something that you love about them or a funny story that you share with them. This blog is about the Fullen's, after all! So please share :)

I love you Jason and Rachel with all my heart!! And I am so excited for you both as you start this new journey!!

Without Love, I Am Nothing

2008-09-14T14:23:00.005-05:00

If I have language ever so perfectly and speak like an expert, but I do not have love that comes from the heart, I am nothing.

If I speak up in class, do homework diligently and have diplomas to speak of my great knowledge, but I do not touch the understanding of love, I am nothing

If I surrender all things and go out to serve others every day, giving of all I have: my money, my time, my efforts, but I do not do it in love, I am nothing.

If I can heal sickness and diseases, but wound hearts and hurt feelings of those around me, I am nothing.

If I write letters and books and publish articles that make known to all the world, but fail to describe and proclaim the word of the cross in love, I am nothing.

Today my devotional journal challenged me to rewrite 1 Corinthians 13 and it was convicting...I wanted to share it. This past week has been rough and draining, to say the least, but I am continuing to learn and grow, no doubt. I'm learning to love with a godly love. I'm being stretched, challenged, and moved. I hope that my response is ever so pleasing to Jesus.

"[Love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:5-7

Taking Each Day As It Comes...

2008-09-07T20:52:00.008-05:00

I have officially completed my first week of college. Crazy, I know. I have a lot of work, laughs, papers, memories, experiences, friends and challenges ahead of me, that's for sure. My schedule is nice...definitely different from high school in a lot of ways. As weird as it is, I like having down time between my classes, although that doesn't always happen. I have this fantastic amount of time in the mornings to spend with God, and I love it. Like I said before, I find myself becoming so engulfed and thirsty for my time with God because that is one thing that definitely hasn't changed in this crazy season of "new" everything. There are plenty of things I've found myself worrying about, but I have worked to not "worry" so much. One of those worries is my Western Civ class. I have a very hard professor and I was becoming overwhelmed with all the work, and falling behind (even though I wasn't...). Not to mention, I'm horrible at history to begin with, so that added to the fears a little. The other day I got really stressed out and I realized that before I got into reading and doing all that I had to do, it was best and necessary for me to take some time for God and do my daily devotion. As I started reading my book and all the verses that went along with it...guess what God had waiting for me?! ...A lesson for my worrying. Go figure, right? This is a portion of the devotional that made my mouth open in shock(although I should've expected God to teach me such things...).

"Perhaps this is why Psalm 90:12 encourages us to "number our days." The verse goes on to promise that when we do that we get wiser, I take it to mean we gain wisdom when we lengthen our view of life. Does something seem terribly important to you today? extremely, vitally serious? Almost to the point of distractoin? Number your days. Get a little perspective. Realize that it won't be long before you will look back on that uptight, high-powered, super-charged issue with a whole new outlook. To be quite candid with you, you may laugh out loud in the future at something you're eating your heart out over today. Don't sweat the small stuff. Nobody bats one thousand. ...So when the smoke clears, try smiling instead of crying." -Charles Swindoll, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life

This was pretty neat, needless to say. It really helped me cut down on my worrying. And I realized that as long as I'm trying and doing what I can and LEARNING all for God's glory...where could I possibly go wrong? Anyway, I keep coming back to this when I worry...and it helps. But prayer in this area is definitely appreciated and needed. Another thing I'm praying for is finding girls that will challenge me spiritually. That is needed, and I know it will come as long as I trust God in that. I am making really good friends with my RA, Jordan, and the RA of the floor above me. They are both sweethearts and definitely very centered and focused in their walk with Christ. That is encouraging! I am also very excited because I might be leading a weekly bible study for our floor. My RA was talking about doing one, but was also very overwhelmed and worried that she wouldn't be able to do it because she has a very busy schedule herself. It was like a very wide-open opportunity that I knew God was throwing out there just for me :) so I told Jordan that I would love to help, or take-up leading it. So that is something else in the works.

Two more things: I am running for class historian! AHH! I am giving my speech tomorrow and I'm very nervous (although I do not know why). I am running against two guys and neither one of them seems to be taking it too seriously...or maybe they're just acting that way to throw me off...I don't really know. I am super excited though, because I really want to do this. It's a four-year position and it pays too! Plus I love taking pictures, and scrapbooking, and writing...so it seems perfect! I'll update on how that goes later too. The second, and last thing I wanted to update on was church! I went to this cute little church off a dirt road, with Kaylie Sauter today. It was SO different from what I'm used to, but a refreshing different. Very small, but true theology, thus far. I really liked it. I'll put a couple pics up of that.

Anyway, it's getting late and I'm very tired. I hope all is well at home! I miss you guys...but thanks for reading and catching up with me! Tomorrow starts my second week and I need my rest. Thanks for all your prayers. Love you guys!

Amy and I before church -- roommies!

the church

cute kids playing on the tire swing :)

inside the church

the dirt road we traveled to get there...

Consistency

2008-08-31T15:26:00.004-05:00

"Steadiness. You can count on it. When pain or hardship bites, consistency doesn't bleed. When the majority is tired and irritable, consistency is stable and resilient. Not insensitive, boring...but reliable, faithful. Not opposed to change or reason, but trustworthy. Not stubborn, but solid. Yes, that's it: solid.

One of the most attractive, magnetic characteristics of Christ is His consistency. When you need Him, He is there. He's there even when you don't think you need Him! You're never too early or too late. He's never in a lousy mood nor will He ask you to call back during office hours. He's available....because He's immutable. With Him, there's no new year or old year. He is "the same," regardless.
CONSISTENCY." --Charles Swindoll, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. --Hebrews 13:8

I like this...a lot. It's exactly what I needed to hear, especially at this exact moment and time in my life. Brand new transition. New environment. New place. New friends. New everything, it feels like. A lot has changed...but when I went to go write and read and spend time with Jesus today, I realized that this was one thing that hadn't changed. My relationship with Jesus hasn't gone away, and the bible I was reading was still the same as it always had been. I know that sounds silly, but it was comforting in a great way. I love everything here and about Houghton so far, but change can sometimes be overwhelming and tiring, especially when there's a lot of it. I took a nap today because I was just so exhausted from the past few days and when I woke up I started reading this book and the bible and it was so refreshing. Not only did the nap re-energize me, but so did these words.

Another thought...God's creation is amazing. Although that is always changing, whenever a beautiful day comes around, it never goes unnoticed. It puts me in such a great mood. And the campus up here helps me to enjoy it all the more. God has really set me in my place to get started in this thing called "college". Yeah its weird being away from all my friends, but I know that God has placed me here to challenge others, be challenged by others, and to reflect and overflow God's love into my relationships here, the classes I will be apart of, and all around campus. And you know what? I have never felt more ready and prepared in my life. I have this unbelievable peace inside of me. I can't even believe it's here, and I'm starting classes tomorrow, but I know that I can do this. God has completely prepared me in every way to live for Him here at Houghton.

Take me, Lord, all of me, and use me to make a difference, whatever that may be, all for your glory.

He Goes Before Me...

2008-08-27T14:00:00.006-05:00

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."--Deuteronomy 31:8

Today is my last day in Maryland for a while. It's kind of weird...weird that I'm leaving my house. Weird that I won't be going to LifePoint every weekend. Weird that my friends have gone/are going different places too. It's exciting, nerve-wracking, scary, challenging, but ultimately indispensible. I can't avoid the fact that I know Houghton is where God has called me to be. I don't know why, nor do I understand what things I am going to face when I get there, but I know that I shouldn't be afraid, or discouraged because my God goes before me. That's good news, it really is.

The past few days have been a little difficult saying my goodbyes to friends and family, but I know that it won't be long until I am back. And in the midst of these goodbyes I've been reminded of how awesome it is to be a part of God's kingdom. Just knowing that regardless of distance and physical death...we are all God's children. We can find hope in the fact that in Christ, there are no goodbyes and in Christ there is no end.

So...this is it! I'm finally going. I'm all packed up for the most part (what a crazy experience by the way...) and I'm heading out tomorrow morning. My dad and I are driving most of the way and then spending the night at a hotel, and driving the rest of the way in the morning to unload and MOVE IN! Crazy. I am hoping and praying that I can somehow manage to fit all my stuff in my room. I trust that it will work out though. I am finding more and more peace about this, now that the day is almost here! Your prayers have been so powerful...so thank you! I will be sure to be blogging more in college to let you in on everything going on! :)

Houghton College here I come...

Camp Barnabas Update...Finally!

2008-08-25T13:20:00.010-05:00

Okay...so as you may know I went to Camp Barnabas the end of July, and it is now the end of August!! I can't believe how fast time flies! I am very busy getting ready for college (I leave Thursday and move-in Friday...I'll blog on that soon too) , which is why I have not yet updated you all on my trip. For those of you who did not receive my sponsor letter, I will post it on here. It is the best I think I can do in explaining a week-long missions trip. It is very hard, especially because this past year there were so many things I did, experienced, learned, and loved! Here's the letter!! :)

Hello again!

I made it back from Camp Barnabas a little over a week ago, and as each day has passed since the day I got home, I’ve been trying so hard to think how I could possibly sum up a week-long missions trip into one letter. It’s a hard task, and very impossible. But I believe in a God who makes all things possible. So here it goes.

On July 22, I set out to Camp Barnabas for my second year in a row. I was so excited this year, with typical anxious thoughts, but overall I was really looking forward to the things God had in store for me. As most of you know, our God works in crazy ways…ways that sometimes throw us off-guard. As we drove up onto Camp Barnabas property in Purdy, Missouri, I knew I was in for something new. A new team, new year, new week, and new people. As I shared with all of you before I left, we went during Autism week this year, and I prepared in the best way I could to care for a camper with autism. However, God had something “new” and different in mind for me this week.

The day we arrived, we were placed in our cabins to meet with our fellow CIA’s (Christians In Action) and the Staff people that we would be serving with for the week. This is also the time where we pick our campers. I was put in a girl’s cabin this year! That was exciting for me, considering the fact that I was with a boys cabin last year, and I was excited to try something new this time around. Everything was going as I had expected up until our staffers started to speak to us about the upcoming week; it was then that God caught me “off-guard”. One of the staff girls turned to all the CIA’s in my cabin and said, “if you didn’t already know, this week you have been placed in a siblings cabin, and you will be taking care of siblings all week.” Now that was something I had not expected! But God surely took the unexpected and unplanned, and blessed my week greatly!

A siblings cabin, if you hadn’t guessed already, is a cabin made for the siblings of the campers that do have a disability, like autism. I was in a junior sibling’s cabin, which meant that every member of our cabin had an older brother or sister with autism and/or some other disability. They have these cabins so that the siblings can have their very own week of camp, apart from their brother/sister. I also learned a lot of things about these siblings; the struggles that they face on a daily basis and the problems that they encounter themselves. My cabin had different training apart from the other cabins that were assigned campers with autism, and there I learned about the various things to look out for when hanging out and taking care of sibling campers. I was told how many siblings can be very hard on themselves (they expect a lot out of themselves) and they develop OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) because they find little things that they can actually control in their lives, since most of them often feel out of control, especially when it comes to their sibling with the disability. I also learned that siblings may develop characteristics of just the opposite. They can be excessively wild and out-of-control, with very little self-expectancy. Above all, I learned that despite everything, each one of these sibling campers would need to be loved and shown much affection throughout the week. This was our time to finally give these kids the attention that they have been longing and searching for all of their life, but have never received. After coming to know all of this, I learned very quickly exactly why God had placed me in this cabin.

I ended up picking two campers this year. Since we were in a siblings cabin we had 11 campers and only 6 CIA’s. This gave us the opportunity to love on more than one camper! I picked two girls who had never been to Camp Barnabas before and were both 7 years old. The first one, Abbie, had a twin sister coming to camp as well, who had autism and some mental retardation. Gracie, my other camper, had a 9 year old sister who had Downs Syndrome. I came to know these two girls very well and completely fell in love with their adorable laughs and beautiful personalities. I also got to know the other nine girl campers in our cabin on a deeper level…they were all so beautiful! If I could sum up the physical aspects for me serving in a siblings cabin, it would be this: many piggy back rides, a lot of tickling, various hair up-do’s, and COUNTLESS imaginative story telling. It was like babysitting for a week and I enjoyed every minute of it!

This year God taught me the usual things: more patience, self-sacrifice, pure joy, unconditional love. But on top of that God revealed to me exactly what it means to meet others where they are and accept them at that place (Romans 14:1-4). That was a big lesson for me that made itself known throughout the week. One more thing that was really evident was how much God makes Himself present in the “unplanned”. In other words, our unexpected events are more than often His most intended happenings. About mid-week, my one camper, Abbie, was taken home due to the fact that her twin sister had 34 seizures within 24 hours, and needed to receive more medical attention than what Barnabas could offer. So I rode with Abbie and this very sweet lady named Laura, who worked at Barnabas, all the way to Springfield, MO to drop Abbie off with her parents. That day was hard for me to see Abbie leave. She had been enjoying herself so much and I had invested so much time getting to know her that it was hard to let her go so soon. However, that two hour ride to Springfield and two hours back was one of the most rewarding, greatest, and best times I had all week long. On the way back from dropping Abbie off with her parents, I talked with Laura about my life story, Camp Barnabas, and all these things that I never thought I would tell someone I had just met. That day I developed this incredible friendship that I know will last for a long time. God really made Himself known in the most unexpected and unplanned time, and He taught me that just because I didn’t plan it, doesn’t mean He didn’t have that moment arranged for me all along.

This year set itself apart from last year in so many ways, and I had the best time! I enjoyed every moment…everything from the kids covering me in mustard & chocolate syrup (yes, it was disgusting) to the amazing bible studies we shared together every morning, I loved it all because the campers did! There’s this overwhelming joy that radiates from the campers to you when you serve at Barnabas, and it’s an incredible experience. So much so that I have made the decision to apply for a staff position next year. I would absolutely love working there for half my summer. I think it is something that God is calling me to do because He knows I need the challenge, and I believe He can work through me in great ways. Thank you all for supporting me in every way possible. For devoting your time to pray for me (I have no doubt it’s immense help throughout my week), for trusting God with your money to send me there, and for being by my side every step of the way. Your support through prayers and finances, not only sent me to Camp Barnabas and helped me while I was there, but they opened up opportunities for God to use me, speak to me and through me, and opened my eyes to see God in another new and amazing way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all are amazing to me. Thank you for allowing God to use you to support me in the way you do so well. I love you all, and I couldn’t thank you enough!

In His everlasting grip,

Kelsey

He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." –Jeremiah 17:8

Me with my two adorable campers! (Gracie left, Abbie right)

Laugh WITH Me, Not AT Me...

2008-08-18T18:25:00.003-05:00

A musical note walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender standing behind the counter.

"What can I get for you?" The bartender asks.
"Um, I'll take a beer."

To that the bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve to minors."

Going broke just to buy a trashcan? Some ppl are...

2008-08-07T20:03:00.002-05:00

All I want to know is who is paying $179 for a trash can? Seriously. What could possibly be so important about a TRASHcan that you're willing to spend one hundred AND seventy nine dollars for it?! I honestly don't know how to answer this question. Any ideas?

Summer Fun

2008-07-14T16:08:00.021-05:00

This summer has been busy, that's for sure! A couple weeks ago I went to Creation Fest 2008!!! It was fantastic!! It was their 30th anniversary too, so it was pretty special! I enjoyed it a lot! A ton of bands, a lot of speakers, plenty of food, a bit of rain, and a great group of friends. It was a nice first vacation of the summer...although I was very tired by the end of the four days there. My favorite part of the week had to be getting front row for Chris Tomlin! It was very exciting to say the least! Here are a few pictures from Creation (although I did take 3 facebook albums full of pictures...I'll try to pick a few to show you here haha)

the stage upclose:

from the lookout:

David Crowder:

Chris Tomlin:

doing our own worship:

wet friends:

From Creation I moved on to my next big trip of the summer...REALITY WEEK!! We just got back from that on Friday. Wow, what a blast! There aren't many words to describe how much I loved it this year. It was a week full of fun, growth, and building of friendships. God had my eyes on serving and giving rather than gaining this past week. But like always, I gained just as much as I gave of myself. I love how God works in that way. I really wish there was more I could say to explain how much beauty I saw this past week at camp, but honestly, I have no words. At the beginning of the week Lance reminded us that God had each and every one of us there for a reason, and he wanted us to keep our eyes open for that reason. At the end of the week Lance asked us to share what we found that reason to be. Although I did not share, it was very clear to me why God had me go this year. He knew that He wanted me to share my heart and my testimony with some girls over the week. He brought me closer to my graduated girls that I love so much. He opened my eyes to see how He is using the upcoming seniors and juniors to reach out and love the underclassmen unconditionally. This past week God revealed to me how my work is finished here. How I have finally ended my past four years, and passed it on to some amazing friends and leaders. It's kind of scary to think, but rewarding nonetheless. I was able to come alongside my peers and worship our Redeemer passionately, and I am hoping and praying that passion never dies for those in the underground student movement. That way a revolution will arise. With all that said, I will share a few pictures from the week.

blue squad (oh yeah!):

Flat Joey joined us in our REC games:

worship with Todd Wright & his band:

great friends:

graduated senior girls:

This last picture here represents five different girls going to five different states in the fall. That is so overwhelming to think about. I can't believe it! It's exciting but nerve-wracking all the more. I have no doubt, however, that these are four girls who I will always be close friends with, despite the distance...and that makes me happy :)

--->Next trip...Camp Barnabas!!!! I am excited, but I need to get my rest this week before I leave. I'm thankful that I have this week to rest before our trip begins next Tuesday. We leave the 22nd and come back the 30th. We're serving at autism week this year, and I'm looking forward to the things I will learn and the challenges I will face.

Thanks for reading my update of the summer thus far!

His Day

2008-06-15T22:43:00.009-05:00

Today represents a lot of things. And for some reason my mind has been preoccupied with a lot of them today. Today we celebrate our fathers, but with that comes hurt too. Some of you have been abused, abandoned, or hurt by your father. Today is painful because the image of your father is faint, non-existent, or heart-breaking. Still others of you feel the very pain of wanting but not being able to be a father yourselves. And today others face the hurt of losing their father and it's surreal. Brokeness is very real on a day like today.

Today I faced stories, my own hurt, and the reality of these things amongst the people around me. My heart ached just thinking about each senario. Who would have ever thought that a day meant to celebrate the lives of our fathers, could be such a painful and numbing day?

All this reminded me of one thing that stands true in all these circumstances. Regardless of our past, present, or future...regardless of our hurt and pain...we all have a Father. One who has always been there. One who will never hurt us, leave us, or abandon us. For some that is hard to believe. Having faith in Jesus alone is a hard concept, and a crazy one. But to believe that He will never leave us on top of that, in light of the hurt, abandonement, and loss that we've faced first-hand...why should we believe that about a God we can't see? ...Because it's true. Because He won't leave us, forsake us, or disown us. Because God sent His son to save us. We have a mighty Father in heaven. With all the hurt we've faced, I've realized that today is a good day to celebrate our everlasting Father. Today was hard for me in a lot of ways, but when I realized that today was just as much about earthly fathers as it is about God the Father, suddenly my heart was delighted. I wanted to celebrate...I became very thankful. And in that I found ways to be thankful about my circumstances here on earth, in light of my Daddy in Heaven. It's amazing how that happens.

I don't know if any of this is making sense. There is so much I wish I could convey, but I don't know how in this moment. I guess I just wanted to remind those of you who were hurting today, that we also have a reason to be joyful. Today was Father's Day in heaven too. In fact, I think every day is Father's Day in heaven. Although our relationships with our fathers may be broken, non-existent, distant, or temporarily stopped...today we can look to heaven and remember Jesus, who forever wants to maintain that father-child relationship with us. He wants us to invest our lives in Him as He does in ours. Today is a day Jesus deserves my thanks, as is everyday. In the midst of my hurt I became joyful in knowing my faithful Father.

Just like any other day, today was His day.

ConGRADulations!

2008-06-10T23:13:00.007-05:00

Graduation came and went like the lighting that surrounded us tonight. In ways it struck and left a mark on my life and a memory in my mind, and in others it is just another story to tell. I don't really know what to say or how I'm feeling because I don't know myself. But I do know that I had a blast celebrating a major part of my life with some of the best people I have ever known. I am overwhelmed with love and support from all around. It amazes me how a family can just whip up a little get-together and so many of the people I love dearly show up! It was a blast and I'm so thankful for each and everyone of them! Considering I don't know what else to say, but thanks, I will just throw up a few pictures and make this my shortest blog ever.

P.S. Graduation was a lot of fun...

P.P.S. I give credit for the title of this blog to Lance...he must have told me this a million times after graduation on Friday :P

A Close to the Year

2008-06-05T22:04:00.014-05:00

Okay, so these past few days have been so hectic...I can't even believe it. Not only that, but they've been so hot!! Our gymnasium lacks AC so we were sweating like no one could imagine in our cap and gowns during graduation practices! I finally came home and took a shower tonight after our second award ceremony today and I feel completely refreshed, other than the fact that I need some sleep. But for some reason I'm blogging. It could have to do with the fact that I'm excited/anxious about tomorrow (graduation!), or maybe I still have a lot of energy leftover from my hyperness today, or it could very well be due to the fact that I just ate my dinner not too long ago. Anyways, as I mentioned, today we had two different award ceremonies where they announced awards and scholarships and so forth. I heard very many of the same names and saw many of the same people walking up to receive their awards. Most of these people definitely deserved these awards, don't get me wrong, but I grew a little envious of them after my day came to a close and I had not received one scholarship after applying to all the ones that I did. It's a little frustrating because I have worked extremely hard, as most of these others who received awards have as well. I guess it's that little selfish part in me that wants to be acknowledged for her achievement over the past 4 years and beyond, and it made me jealous when I wasn't. More so I was just upset because I am working hard to try and do my part in paying for college by receiving scholarships now, but it didn't seem to be working. But after thinking about it, I know I have nothing to worry about. Part of me strongly believes that this is God's way of saying "trust me, Kelsey...I will provide for you". And He will. There's no doubt about that. That's what I have concluded. Plus, please don't get me wrong...I was/am SO excited for all those that did receive scholarships today because that's an awesome accomplishment, and great money. Congrats you all!

So tomorrow's the big day! Graduation! 2pm eastern time...incase you were wondering. haha. It should be good. I also have been unable to blog about my senior cruise on Monday. It was probably my favorite activity I've done through school my whole senior year. It was so laid back, fun, and beautiful! It was perfect weather. I'll leave you with a few pictures from that and say goodnight. I am getting more delerious as the minutes progress.

Thanks for reading! Much love! xoxo

This is me and my friend Jen at dinner!

The boat!

A sail boat!

Pretty flag and sun

bridge and sunset

My friend Megan!

My sweet friends Megan and Jen...we had so much fun together!

How Can I Stand Here & Not Be Moved By You?

2008-06-04T23:25:00.008-05:00

I am a big fan of our church. LifePoint has a way of bringing out the truth and authenticity in everything and everybody. This skit has that same power. It reminds me that no matter how much pressure this world may bring, my Jesus can handle it all. It gives me chills because it's so true. And this is just a tiny representation of what He can do. This past Sunday was fantastic in so many different ways. Thanks to all that helped put it together! You all are awesome!

A Senior Farewell

2008-05-30T22:10:00.005-05:00

Tonight was our Senior Farewell at school. It was a really neat and a fun time as the students led the entire night...singing, dancing, speaking, etc. It was really cool to finally be together reflecting on the past four years and beyond. One of my friends put together this slideshow of all the senior photo's, their names, and an extra picture, whether it was a baby picture, or some other older photo. It was really cool. I couldn't help but reflect on all those years, from elementary, middle, to now. It was tonight that I realized just how much I feel like I "missed out on" especially during the middle school and early high school years. I can't help to think that it was because my circumstances would not allow it, but part of me was sad. Then I realized that I had nothing to be sad about; I was wrong to think that I was missing out, because I wasn't. My story has been forming in bigger and better ways than any picture could ever tell. A lot of people at school don't know my whole story, although I really wish they did. Coming up on the end of this year is hard, exciting, nerve-wracking, scary, upsetting, motivating, challenging, but most of all it's worth it. It's worth reflecting on and it's worth celebrating. After all...the Kingdom of God is a party, and this part of my life is something God would want me to celebrate.

So I will! Thanks for all your support and love over the years! Look where I've made it to!!

Me and my friend Jen!

Praise My Adonai

2008-05-27T22:09:00.004-05:00

I am realizing more and more, with every passing day...that this ride is worth it. My God is worth it, no matter the pain.

You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me
From age to age you reign in Majesty
And today You're making miracles in me
Oh my Adonai

I'm IT!

2008-05-23T23:33:00.017-05:00

I've been tagged in this questionnaire game by Mrs. Amy!
Here it goes:

What were you doing 5 years ago?

1. Making my crazy transition into high school

2. Saying goodbye to Tori and the whole Evan Family

3. Trying to help my older brother and dad get along

4. Probably fighting with my sister over silly things

5. Meeting Lance and the whole Burch family for the first time

What are 5 things on your to-do list today (not in any particular order)?

1. Drive 6 hours back home from NY

2. Write 2 letters to friends and a paper for school

3. Read my bible and journal

4. Take a shower and get ready for church

5. Catch up on some lost sleep

What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

1. American cheese and club crackers

2. Goldfish
3. Homemade brownies

4. Deviled eggs! (I don't know if this counts, but I absolutely love them!)

5. Kettle Corn

What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

1. Pay off my college tuition

2. Give millions to LifePoint Church :)

3. Sponsor like ten kids (if not more) from Compassion
4. Go visit Australia and Europe
5. Buy a house...somewhere.

What are 5 of your bad habits?

1. Staying up too late

2. Spending more time doing other things, rather than with God

3. Losing my hair ties

4. Forgetting my sun glasses when it's sunny outside

5. Forgetting my flute the days I have Wind Ensemble

What are 5 jobs you have had?

1. babysitting

2. babysitting

3. babysitting

4. babysitting

5. and babysitting

What are 5 places you have lived?

1. Frederick, MD

2. Canada (for a very short time)

3. Eldersburg, MD

4. my room

5. the woods

What 5 people do you want to tag?

1. Katie
2. Jessica
3. Rachel
...everyone else has been tagged, I think.

Passing Along A Laugh

2008-05-19T19:55:00.004-05:00

I've been showing everyone this video because it is so funny to me. You may have to watch it twice to get the full affect. Watch the little panda the first time, and then observe the mother's reaction the second time. It's hilarious! I love it. Please enjoy...

Don't Forget that I Won't Forget...

2008-05-12T20:05:00.002-05:00

Tonight was my last band concert ever for my high school years. Tonight, like every year at the spring concert, the seniors get recognized for all the things they've been a part of for the past four years, related to band. I was kind of looking forward to this, being that I am a senior. My teacher started with the flutes, and I watched as she went down the line. She started at the top...Jen...Megan...and then she would call me. I prepared myself to stand, until I didn't hear my name. She had already moved onto the clarinets! It was at that moment I realized that she had forgotten me! lol! She eventually came back around and called my name realizing that she had skipped right on over me. It wasn't that big of a deal, I just laughed. It didn't really matter all that much to me...it was a silly mistake!

But when I was packing up my flute after everything was over, the whole thing played out in my head again, and I laughed underneath my breath. It was then that I heard a little voice in the back of my head and it whispered these five sweet little words: "I will never forget you."

It was in that moment that I realized God had sent me a little hope for the day to reassure me for tomorrow. Although I wasn't feeling bad or upset at all for being "forgotten", I was still sent a sweet reminder of how much I am loved, and no matter what, I am forever written on the palm of His hand, therefore He will never forget me. I think He's always telling us that, you know? ..."Don't forget that I won't forget you..."

I just thought that was really neat.

Remembering Today...

2008-05-06T15:43:00.001-05:00

Eight years later and I can't seem to put my finger on it--
It's a feeling that wonders what things would have been like,
Yet is still satisfied in how things have turned out.
My heart looks around and sees the pain others are facing
And can't really seem to feel its own.
My heart is joyful for the things seen,
and for those that still remain unseen.
For the things given,
and the things lost.
Even in this moment I'm not quite sure where I stand now...
where my heart and mind have been over the years.
But I'm starting to realize the ways my story
is being used...
that it all wasn't gone unnoticed.
It's amazing how each story fits into the plan,
how a heart identifies with another.
I know that I'm not the only one who hurts today...
or the only one celebrating, all in one.
It's worth the celebration
for my God is worthy of it all.
Somewhere I find myself completely changed...
a new person.
I find joy in the midst of tragedy.
Hope when all is lost.
Love when I see rejection.
Beauty when my surroundings are unpleasant.
Life when there's death.
Surrender when life has come to be about my plans.
Humility when pride is the only thing portrayed.
Victory when my circumstances seem overwhelmingly defeating.

These things have come to be bigger and better than the temporary world,
the one that will eventually fade away.
These things will last for eternity
And that's what matters most.
The hurt, the sin, regret, fear, defeat, death...
it soon won't matter.
It will fade away with the rest of the world.
And so I stand here today and am reminded
that this day doesn't just mark a tragic day,
but a beautiful day in God's eyes for His child came running home.
And with that, today is a beautiful day in my eyes as well,
no doubt in my mind.

A Laugh to Start Off the Week...

2008-04-28T18:04:00.018-05:00

Okay so here's a really funny story that unfolded today and I wanted to share it with you all. But bare with me because I've been told that my stories are never really that great (I think it's my delivery, or maybe it's just because what I see as "funny" or "worth-telling" isn't the same as everyone else's idea of "funny" or "worth-repeating" lol) Regardless, I will try. Here it goes:

A little over a week ago was Weekend 180 (which was SO much fun...and I still have yet to blog about it). I was with my fellow Senior Girls at the Frenz's house in Mount Airy, and it was a blast. Saturday morning we were all sitting around after breakfast, still munching on some of the delicious munchies a community group baked for us! I was sitting in the living room with a few other girls munching on some grapes. Next to the chair I was sitting on was a little table which had a few decorative things on display (note: Mrs Jolene Frenz is a wonderful decorator and has many things around her household that bring a shimmering glow to their already-beautiful house!) There was this one container-like thing that had a few random objects in it. It looked like grass with some rocks and other nature-like objects. It is kind of hard to describe (I wish I had a picture to show you...). As I finished up my grapes, I was holding onto the grape-vine that held them all together. While noticing the decorative container sitting next to me, I turned to Allison Milchling and said, "doesn't this grape-vine look like it belongs in this thing?" She looked at me and laughed as she watched me quietly sneek the grape-vine in with the moss-looking stuff and the rocks. I laughed out loud and turned to Allison again and asked, "do you think Mrs Jolene will notice?" Allison responded, "I doubt it!"

Meanwhile I turn to Mrs Jolene who is diligently working in the kitchen and asked her,
"Hey Mrs Jolene, I really like your little display here, it is very nice..."
She responded, "Why yes, I made it myself. I just pretty much throw whatever I want in there..."
"Me too." I mumbled quietly under my breath. Allison and I laughed uncontrollably together at Mrs Jolene who didn't have a clue as to what was going on.
"Leave it there," Allison said. And so I did...and there it stayed.

The story continues as I came home from school today...I drove up to my mailbox and got the mail, like any other day. The only thing in the mail today was an envelope addressed to me! I love getting mail!! I head inside and ripped open the envelope, not quite sure who it was from or what it was (there was no return address on it...). And if you hadn't guessed by now, this is what I found:

Yep...Mrs Jolene had found it I suppose and decided to send me the vine in the mail! Well, I don't know how funny this may be to you, but it completely made my day! I laughed for a really long time. Thanks for reading...I hope you found a giggle somewhere in there as well! :)

Resting In Him

2008-04-22T18:36:00.002-05:00

This week has already begun to exhaust me. Last night I stayed up half the night praying because of the uneasy, and discouraged emotions I was feeling. I've really been wanting to blog, but because of this letter that I read this morning, I know I need to rest first. I don't believe I read this today on accident. So instead of blogging something I wrote, I want to share this because it basically sums up what I need to go do.

...You Need to Rest

I know you often grow weary. I hear your heartfelt cry for more energy to make it through each day. You, my tired one, must trust Me with all your many worries and responsibilities. Rest when I tell you to. I am your heavenly Father, and I know what My girl needs. So listen to the One who loves you the most and knows all about you. I want you to take a step of faith by setting aside a day each week to rest from all your work. If you will obey Me in this, I will multiply your time and supernaturally energize your efforts to get everything done in the following days. Welcome this opportunity to give your mind, body, and spirit a rest. Consider it My love gift to you, and relax in Me!

Love,

Your King and your Resting Place

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'" -Matthew 11:28

An Encouraging Voice

2008-04-14T20:51:00.001-05:00

"I know that He will raise up, He will conquer, but when I read about the cross I want to close my eyes until the in-between is over. Today, as I read each scripture, I was struck by something I have never put too much emphasis on before. Jesus did not return to His followers as a healed man. He had scars that told the story, that brought Thomas to belief. He was alive, fully alive, and yet, not unscathed. God chose to use these wounds to remind the world what He had overcome. It seems like if I were the writer of the story, I would heal them completely. Really show people what kind of power I had. Just make it look like it never happened...complete restoration. This isn't what God chose for Christ, and it isn't what He chooses for any one of us.

If we are called to suffer in the name of Jesus, we bear scars as well. He doesn't hide them when trouble has passed, but rather He allows our paths to cross with those who want to touch them, to believe in them, to fall into the arms of the one who allowed them to be inflicted.

I have prayed many, many times that the eyes that read these words will run their fingers along the wounded hands of Christ, letting His suffering tell you the depth of love He has for you.

This life is not about being healed.

It's about bearing wounds for the sake of the One who bore them for us. For you."

--Angie Smith

Heartbreaking, yet Humbling

2008-04-07T15:01:00.005-05:00

I walked into school this morning, expecting the worst. The very first thing I noticed as I walked through the doors was...the silence. It's amazing to me how silence is ever-so present at a time like this. No one really knows what to say, or how to respond. Today was...hard, to say the least. As I walked through the quiet halls this morning I watched as her friends hung posters up with tears in their eyes. I saw unison among her softball team as they all wore wrist bands with Emily's #1 on them. It's so beautiful to see the togetherness and friendship because it's not cherished enough, but so hard to see the brokenness and pain that caused the bond. Today was one of those days where I felt completely helpless and upset that I never got the chance to be a peer-facilitator for our school. But I know that hugs can facilitate much better than words, and you don't need training for that. I was heartbroken for so many people today. I don't know what to say. I just know it's going to be a hard week for a lot of people. As overwhelming as it was, somehow it was completely humbling to sit at lunch today next to the spot where Emily used to sit. Another reminder that life is short, but in Jesus we have eternal life in heaven. It's hard for me to understand and imagine how a lot of people are going through this without Jesus. I can't imagine their feelings.

Keep the Burke family in your prayers. Pray for peace and a connection that they may have with God through this whole thing. Pray for God's love and peace over the Calderone family as well. Lift up the precious and broken hearts of Emily's friends in my school. Please pray for Aly Hird too, who is in serious condition now. And lift up Paul Burke as he deals with this pain and guilt he must be feeling and will continue to feel for a long time.

I am planning on going to the prayer service they're holding tonight at St. Joe's Catholic Church. I know this will be a time when a lot of people need comforting, and I want to be there. I'm praying that God would be evidently present there tonight.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

A Worthwhile Trip

2008-04-05T12:40:00.010-05:00

Last night I got home from a big adventure after about 12 hours of driving! Thursday afternoon, after my dad got home from work, we headed out for the big state of NY! "Why?" you may ask. Well, it is now April 5 and I have less than a month to make a decision about where I'm heading off to college. Needless to say, I still hadn't visited one of the two college's I'm still deciding from, until yesterday. My dad and I spent the night in a hotel (which was interesting nonetheless because I can't sleep when people snore, and lets just say my dad was in the bed right next to me, snoring away), and then we got up early and headed out for another hour (give and take a few half hours :) until we FINALLY found Houghton College. I guess I didn't take people seriously when they said this place was out in the middle of NOWHERE! When we had finally reached Houghton, I was officially in no-man's land. Although it had rained the whole day (which was okay, because it could have been snowing...), I had a really good day. We spent the morning talking to this younger, extremely funny and informative professor about their Pre-Physical Therapy program. It was interesting, and I learned a lot. Then there was their chapel. Which was very different from some of the things I've attended before, however it wasn't as different as I had expected (that's a good thing). After our tour, we ate some lunch, and then headed out for an info session for Psychology with Professor Stegen who has his PhD in Psychology. Let's just say that this guy was extremely passionate about what he was doing...and it was awesome. You could definitely tell that he was a professor, nonetheless. This parent that attended the same info session with us asked the professor a simple question and Stegen responded with "well that is your thesis..." haha...I found it humorous the way he talked with us, yet extremely inspiring. I talked to him one on one afterwards and I told him about my new-found glory and passion in possibly becoming a counselor. I told him about Camp Barnabas and how I'm going again this year. He was so encouraging. He told me how my experience is fantastic especially for getting into that field. And I'll never forget what he said next... "it's not about learning the facts in a classroom, because anyone can do that. It's about applying it to your life and using those facts to understand and relate to other people. And you seem like you've already gotten that."

After that session I became more confident and passionate about counseling and helping other people as a career, possibly. The very last session of the day confirmed something else I wish to study. Communications. The word, in general, gets me excited and makes me happy. Life is all about communication, and without it, we would have a lot of problems. The professor who was telling me all about this field of study, told me that it's definitely a great thing to get into, especially if I love writing. He even told me that there is a class that I can "take", however there is no lecture or classroom setting, you are just required to create a blog, and write freely about whatever. I turned to him and said, "I would SO pass that class!" He just laughed at me.

Anyway, it was a good day to say the least. I loved everything about Houghton. The campus, the people, the education, and most of all--the intimacy. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Even though I have less than a month to decide whether I'll be going to Houghton or Messiah in the fall, I still haven't made a final decision yet. I like Messiah a lot too. The only thing I didn't like about Houghton is the distance. It's going to be hard making this decision, but regardless of where I go, I am really excited about getting into Counseling Psychology and Communications...it's like two programs made just for me! :) I've never really been so certain about anything regarding what I want to do when I get to college, until now. So, I guess you could say, this is definitely a God thing.

Thanks for reading you guys!

An Eternal Reminder

2008-03-23T20:22:00.006-05:00

I think about heaven so much now. My passion that overwhelms me when I worship is going to be all the time in heaven--even better than I can imagine. Even today being Easter I've been thinking about it. My Jesus loved me so much that He chose to die and now He lives. I want to love Jesus back as much as He loves me...no matter how crazy people think I am. I hope that's already begun to show in my life because it's not just something I want to write down over and over again--but it's something I want to show in the way I live, the things I say, the way I relate to others--in everything. I am completely unashamed of the story of Jesus, the cross, His death, and His resurrection, and the way He fuels me and gives me life--it's not something to be ashamed about, but something to boast about. Even when I think about the tragic things that have happened in the world, in others' lives around me and in my own, although that pain can sometimes feel overwhelmingly defeating...well, my Jesus lives. He really does. And He brings us hope. He wants me to do everything I can to bless His name and glorify all that He's worth while I'm here on this earth. It's such a very short time compared to eternity. I can't choose how I die, but I can choose how I live.

"Jesus, most beautiful name that I know, you're the exalted one".

Those are the lyrics of a song I'm listening to right now by Christ for the Nations. Such beautiful and truthful lyrics. His name is so beautiful. Not just the story and love He represents, but the story and love He is. After watching the Passion of the Christ video this morning at church, I couldn't get the image of Mary out of my head. She suffered too, seeing her son Jesus suffer and struggle as He took on the weight of the world. And we suffer because of sin too, as Jesus did. Part of sharing in God's glory is sharing in His suffering. We may experience pain now, but we are promised eternity in a beautiful place where suffering no longer reigns, but our beautiful Savior does. I can only imagine what I'm going to do when I get to heaven. I want to climb up in His lap and just be with Him. It's going to be amazing. I can't wait.

When Spring Blossoms...

2008-03-15T13:36:00.011-05:00

A lot of times life is just like the seasons of the year. Sometimes it’s an ambitious cycle that never seems to end, and other times it's like two in one. We're all so familiar with the frigid, cool air of winter, and the soft, warmness of spring. As I look at the lives of others and even my own, I find a mix of winter and spring. You can tell the pain and hurt someone is going through, almost like sensing the distinct smell of snowfall soon to come. Although their words are filled with kindness, and their faces struggle to put on a smile--the hurt goes much farther within. Some hide it all away, yet others don't hesitate to share a word...you don't know until you feel it with them. You put yourself in their place--longing to understand their pain. Just like the wind-chill of winter. Sometimes the wind blows and you know its there, but even when it doesn't--it is still cold. You don't understand quite what its like until you feel the snow. That's when its real--you know exactly how cold everything is. You can't control the weather, but sometimes you just wish you could make it stop, just for the sake of others. There's a way around it, a way to shine when the air is filled with bitterness. Even though I can't stop the snow from falling, and I can't make it completely warmer--I can be a temporary warmth. It's like a coat, or a cup of nice hot chocolate and maybe even a blanket. It won't satisfy forever, but in the midst of someone's winter it can at least bring some sort of warmth. I feel for them, and I understand just how cold it is...I've had many winter seasons myself. Amongst this long period of time comes darkness, bitter-cold, uncomfortable situations--that just aren't easy.

But even though all the blankets, heaters, and hot chocolate won't last forever--they at least keep things easier for the time being.. until that first flower blooms under the cold, white snow. Until the air changes, and everything becomes a little more promising. The smallest blossom gives the biggest hope of a new season. It's just like a dim, yet distinct light in darkness; it changes everything about it. Faith now reaches out its hand in the season of winter. The warmth the Son brings, melts away all doubts, fears, and hurt. Flowers bloom revealing the beauty that comes from pain. Birds sing new songs of praise, thanking spring for its faithfulness. Butterflies show off their uniqueness of what they developed into. Starting off small and weak, and metamorphing into a stronger and more beautiful masterpiece--none like the rest. Creation waited all winter long for this moment. And although winter may come back around--we can still sing, praise, and be joyous in the coldest of days because we know, and have experienced the joys of spring. Life may be like this now...and we may constantly have to watch others experience their own painful winters, and we ourselves will experience hurt. And although it is easier to fall and freeze in the dead of winter, rather than soar in the joy of spring: we can and will be encouraged by this: we are promised a spring season that lasts forever!

*Happy birthday Momma!

No Mind Has Imagined...

2008-03-13T21:43:00.006-05:00

My Princess...

YOU HAVE A HOME IN HEAVEN

Did you know that I have prepared a home for you in heaven? It is more beautiful than you can ever imagine. Your eyes have not seen nor have your ears heard the majestic beauty that awaits you. But for now, My chosen one, I need you to learn to see your life with an eternal perspective. When you cross over into heaven, you won't be able to bring anything from your home here on earth. You're only here to bring forth My life-changing news of salvation. Don't collect things; collect people. I have called you to bring others to Me. Remember, no one will grow closer Me because of what you have. Tell them how much I love them. They need to know about My amazing plans for their lives and about the eternal kingdom that awaits them too.

Love,

Your King and your Eternity Builder

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." --1 Corinthians 2:9

Eternal Perspective

2008-03-11T16:39:00.002-05:00

About a week ago I finished reading the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Towards the end of the book, the fourth person Eddie (the main character) meets is his wife. He has all these flashbacks and then finally has this conversation. It was interesting to me, and completely appropriate. I liked it a lot. Eddie felt the same emotions any human being feels after losing a loved one...but when looking at the whole thing from an eternal perspective, you see the reason behind it all.

' "You had to live without love for many years, didn't you?"
Eddie said nothing.
"You felt that it was snatched away, that I left you too soon."
He lowered himself slowly. Her lavender dress was spread before him.
"You did leave too soon, " he said.
"You were angry with me."
"No."
Her eyes flashed.
"Ok, yes."
"There was a reason to it all," she said.
"What reason?" He said. "How could there be a reason? You died. You were 47. You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything. And I lost everything. I lost the only woman I ever loved."
She took his hands. "No you didn't. I was right here. And you loved me anyway. Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or touch their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."
"Life has to end," she said. "Love doesn't."
Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife. It was like looking over a fence. He was finally aware of another kind of life out there...' --The Five People You Meet In Heaven

For such a time as this...

2008-03-01T13:14:00.009-05:00

If only I could begin to explain the way I've been feeling this past week. It's hard to put it all into words. I've been struggling to find the words to write down in my own journal. I've felt unbelief, pain, fear, confusion, anger even ... and although some of these feelings continue to exist, I've also felt joy, strength, love, wonder, and wisdom all flow through me at the same time. I've never tried so much to fathom the greatness of heaven and the beauty of it all, but it's a wonderful thing to be able to talk about it amongst some of the greatest people in my life. I've cried, talked, watched, laughed, greeted, and watched as so many people gathered to do the same with one another. It's amazing to me how God can transform our lives in an instant, and our hearts forever. I've never wanted to be around people so much in my life. There's something powerful about coming together and encouraging one another when the world has forced us to face another life-altering heartbreak. But through it all, I've never felt more alive in my life. I'm writing more, I'm loving deeper, I'm saying the things I normally wouldn't say, I'm taking the time to be authentic when somebody asks me how I am, I'm encouraging my friends more often, even when they're life is going great, I'm finding myself talking about Jesus more and the gift that I have, and more than ever before, I'm understanding my purpose here and the power of my story.

I had someone (thanks Katie!) remind me just the other day of the verse in Esther that says, "You were born for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). Esther was a Jewish girl, chosen to be in King Xerxes royal harem and eventually she became a queen because Xerxes liked her so much. At some point a man named Haman decided he wanted to destroy all the Jews in the kingdom. He became second-in-command in the empire and deceived the king into agreeing to an edict condemning all Jews to death. Esther's cousin pleaded with her to do something about this, since she was the Queen. But at this point, no one knew she was Jewish. She at first didn't want to because to step into the presence of the king without his asking, meant certain death. She was very afraid. And her cousin, Mordechai, said to her, "If you remain silent, relief and deliverance will arise from another place...and who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

Wow. What a story. I can't get it out of my head. And at this time in my life, God is revealing so much to me about my story and my life, and why I'm here. Just like Esther, I was born for such a time as this. Even though I may never have all the answers and may never fully comprehend the way God works and why some of the most beautiful people are taken away from us--I am still reminded how temporary my life is, and how one day I'll be taken from this earth too. I won't be able to choose how or when I die, but I can choose to live for Christ, and continue to glorify my Jesus in my impact and influence in other people's lives right now. I was made for right now, for a time such as this. What an encouraging thought.

Even through all the hurt and confusion, sometimes it feels wrong to be joyful, but you know what? That's the devil trying to interfere with a beautiful thing. Joy in tragedy. It is beautiful. And I'm so overjoyed to know a God who can do all things, and a God that never has anything catch Him by surprise. A God that makes way for spring in our darkest winter. I am blessed to be walking this journey with all of you. I love you more than I could ever put into words.

Hope for Tomorrow...

2008-02-22T13:52:00.011-05:00

"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you."
-Jeremiah 29:11

"These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you're going to make it, no doubt about it."
-2 Corinthians 1:7

A Moment of Truth

2008-02-13T22:02:00.005-05:00

It's simply amazing to me that we have to create and air another reality television game show that motivates a person to tell the truth based on the money they will be receiving for it. It is crazy to me to sit and watch as a person steps up to a chair and be "challenged" by the idea that they will have to confess deep secrets on national television. It also blows me away that we have to be motivated by money and/or the idea of being on television to get a person to tell the truth. It has come to the point where we have to reward a person for being authentic.

I don't think it could get any worse than that.

Authenticity is becoming more and more rare in our culture today, which is also why I think it is one of the most important characteristics for a person to develop ... children, teens, and adults alike.

Just a few thoughts for the day.

Motionless

2008-02-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

Last night we experienced a very strange, yet wonderful winter thunderstorm. It's rare to get rain this time of year, but it was extremely warm yesterday and a thunderstorm rolled in through Eldersburg last night as soon as ALG came to an end. As most people left, Andy, Katie, Lauren Miles, and myself turned off the lights and sat in the Thompson's living room with the door open, watching the thunderstorm roll through. It was wonderful. I love watching, listening, and smelling thunderstorms quickly come and go. I wrote something last summer when sitting in my room intensily watching a thunderstorm, and I felt the same way again last night. I thought I would share it.

It’s so peaceful to watch the rain fall from the sky above. Gently hitting the trees and the newly wet paved road. The sound is not quite anything I’ve heard before; so soft yet loud enough to hear over the thunders mighty roar. It smells just like summer, the way its always smelled when it rains on days like today. As soon as the storm moves through, the wind feels so perfect. Makes me want to stand out there in the pouring rain. Soaking it all in—breathing deep. The thunder becomes real distant and soon all I’ll be able to hear is that light tapping of the raindrops against each landing. Everything’s so still; so quiet. Listening to it all ensures a peace deep inside me. It’s as though, for just a moment, things have become still. My life, my world, my heart, and even my mind have all come to a momentary halt. Things are silent again. I like them this way. The stillness has buried all the confusion, it has calmed all the struggles, lessened all the hurt, cleared all the distractions and finally focused my heart. The rain has wiped my eyes of everything and focused on one thing…the beauty of it all. So calm. So quiet. So revealing. The smell has rescued me from the ungodly things and reminded me of how refreshing it is. The flashes of light and drops of rain allow me to see something more than what appears to be there. The wet droplets against my skin and the wind blowing over my face bring me back to that feeling that is deeper than anything. And most of all, that sound of the distant rolling thunder and soft tapping of rain on everything it touches, tells me what it is I really need to listen for in a world full of echoes. I will never forget this smell thunderstorms bring. I will always remember the sight of bright flashes and clear droplets. This feeling, of the rain against my skin, will never leave me. And even when all else fades, I will keep hearing the loud roar and soft whispers of the rain in my ear. It will always be there, I just need to be still and listen.

My Princess...

2008-01-29T07:13:00.001-05:00

I will work out what's best for you.

I know what's best for you, and nothing happens without My knowledge. I see your disappointment when things don't unfold in your life the way you had envisioned. But if you could only lift your eyes to heaven and see My hand moving with eternal purposes, you could better understand. Don't forget that your life here is temporary...in other words, My love, you're not home yet. But for now I want you to trust Me in your disappointments, and let Me turn your pain into a passion to persevere. Wait on Me, My love. Don't give up! Rather, give in to Me and My perfect plan for you, knowing that I only desire the very best for you.

Love,

Your King and Father who truly knows best

"The Lord watches over you the Lord is your shade at your right hand." --Psalm 121:5

A Thank You from Me to You

2008-01-12T14:23:00.000-05:00

For all the times you’ve brought over meals,

Food for my family to eat

It was all so warm, just like you make me feel

The whole experience was quite a treat.

When we sat down,

And talked over that meal

The wisdom that you shed to me

Was so genuine and so real.

In that moment, I wished I could post

A thank you for encouraging me when I needed it most.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

2007-12-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected through his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, "Yes" when the world says, "No." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6).
God does not always rescue us out of a painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes...it hurts." --Captivating

How many times have I broken your heart?
…but still you forgive if only I ask.

I constantly overlook what He’s really done for me when I’m so small, weak, unworthy, lost, hopeless…without Him I am all these things. But why save the world? After all, He’s got the whole universe…something so much bigger and more complex than we will ever be able to grasp. And He’s got it all in the palm of his hand. He’s named every star and every planet. He smile’s as they sing glory to Him everyday. And He still makes time—beyond all that, He surpasses the rotten lies, this broken world, and still knows my name. He died…for me. This goes to show not only how much He loves me, but how much He hates sin. Beyond all sites—the galaxies, stars, planets, mountains, land—God chooses the hardest way out, the most painful, with the most suffering, and out came the most beautiful. He chose the cross. Where my sin lies along with the rest of the world. Saved us from death…and gave us life. Oh the wonderful cross. You’ve totally captured my Heart Father. You’ve forced me to fall off my feet and onto my knee’s—broken before you. Crying out, for its never been more real to me. I’ve never been able to express my emotion like this before—and it feels good. Not in worshipping the emotion, because that’s not what it’s about, but glorifying the Creator, the Savior, who didn’t have to be. The smaller I see my life, the bigger my view of God grows. God you’ve made me stronger. Thank you, for sending your Son, Jesus to this earth in the form of a baby. Thank you for allowing me to see that I don't have to leave Jesus in the manger this Christmas. I love you, so much. Oh, and happy birthday!

Merry Christmas you guys!!!

Fork vs. Spoon

2007-12-15T15:07:00.000-05:00

I came to this realization last week, thanks to some very good friends of mine:

Macroni and cheese is much easier to eat when you use a spoon.

The Wound Matters

2007-12-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

"Let the tears come. Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will---many things. Anger. That's okay. Anger's not a sin (Eph. 4:26). Remorse. Of course you feel remorse and regret for so many lost years. Fear. Yes, that makes sense. Jesus can handle the fear as well. In fact, there is no emotion you can bring up that Jesus can't handle. Let it all out. Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there--the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams. Let the tears come.

It might help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. They were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they fell captive to the Enemy. They were in fact pawns in his hands. This doesn't absolve them of the choices they made, the things they did. It just helps us to let them go--to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against femininity.

God invited me to go with him into the deep places of my heart that were hidden and wounded and bleeding still from heartbreaks and wounds I had received from my father's hand. Places I did not want to go. Memories I did not want to revisit. Emotions I did not want to feel. The only reason I said yes to God, the only reason I would travel there, was because I knew he would go with me. Hand in hand. There is a core part of our hearts that was made for Daddy. Made for his strong and tender love. The part is still there, and longing. Open it to Jesus and to your Father God. Ask him to come and love you there. Meet you there. We've all tried so hard to find the fulfillment of this love in other people, and it never, ever works. Let us give this treasure back to the One who can love us best." -- Captivating
......
I don't believe in coincidences. I have no doubt that this chapter I read today in this book came at the exact time I needed it. These words are so profound...ones I've needed to hear so badly, and very similar to the ones I heard just yesterday. God is looking out for me, I know it. Even through the smallest things like this, I can tell. I love that, even at my lowest moments, I have someone who I know loves me wholly and completely.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T10:11:00.001-05:00

I have not stopped giving thanks because you have given me so much. I cannot stop giving thanks because you paid the ultimate sacrifice. This life is nothing compared to eternity, but I will do everything I can to live it back for you. I give you thanks because you have brought me alive, and saved me from death. I must not forget to keep giving thanks because you continue to give to me the gift of love and grace. I’m not worthy of any of it, but that’s why I want to thank you with my life. Thank you for your unfailing love that loves me all the same despite the things I do. Thank you for your creation…the sun that brings heat and the light to the world. The night sky that is more vast and complex than I could ever imagine. And for everything beyond the earth, even the beautiful things I cannot and will not be able to ever see. Their beauty is beyond anything I could ever grasp. Thank you for the life you’ve given me…with all you’ve taught me through it, and I even give thanks for the things I have yet to learn. Thank you for brokenness and pain. For you use these things to shape me into the masterpiece you have in mind. Without the trials it wouldn’t set me apart from the rest of this world, it is developing me into a more Christ-like figure. Thank you for grace. Without it my life would be worthless, I would be worthless…but your grace promises forgiveness and takes me back even in the worst of situations, when I feel utterly helpless. Thank you for the blessings you overflow in my life. For simply giving me joy and putting a smile on my face. Allowing me to laugh in uncertainty. Giving me courage and strength to face a broken world with your love. My God, thank you for showing me the good that comes out of bad. For giving my life purpose, and teaching me to live it by faith. Thank you Father for a family that loves me and teaches me. For brothers and sisters who care and walk with me on this dangerous path. Thank you for giving me the desires my heart longs for…thank you for providing when I’ve run dry of everything. Father God, I want to live a life pleasing to you…I want to become attached to you Father, where nothing can separate us, not even my own selfish desires. I want to be so focused on you that even when the entire world is taken away and crumbles at my feet, I won’t even notice. Thank you for saving me from who I was becoming. Nothing can repay all that you’ve given to me, but I will not stop giving thanks…for all you’ve done.

“I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.” –Ephesians 1:16

A New Visit

2007-11-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

11/5/07

Last week was a busy week. Thursday we had a half day so I had time before play practice. I was tired, but I decided to head out to Winfield, where my mom's grave is. I hadn't been there in a while, and I've never been there by myself. With my own car to drive now, I really felt like it was time for me to go there by myself for once. Not really sure of how I was going to react, I headed out after school to Winfield Bible Chapel. Driving up through the cemetery, I didn't really know why I was there. I never really know what I'm going to do or think about when I'm there; it's a strange thing contemplate. It's really quiet out there, and on Thursday it was really beautiful outside. In past visits I've noticed how it's always been raining or snowing, never really a comforting time to be there. My family always wants to go and then get out of there, as if it was an extra thing to do, and now we're finally checking it off our list. It's always been really hard to express my feelings in front of them when it comes to going to the grave. But Thursday was different. It was clear, beautiful, and for the first time...I was alone. Driving up through the cemetery, the first thing I noticed was a brand new grave behind my mom's. I was reminded of the time that has passed, yet somehow it seems so fresh and new in my mind. I stood there trying to imagine how things would be different with her here. More so than ever, I felt this overwhelming wanting to see her face again. Standing there, in the midst of the silence, I read the headstone...Lynne Francis; I love that my middle name is named after her. BIRTH: March 15, 1958; same birthday as my cousin Chris, I remember how they would always celebrate it together. DEATH: May 6, 2000; a day I don't think I will ever forget. Mother of Shaw Children; I've read it before, but that day, it meant something different. As the wind blew and twisted in my hair, a tear stung my face. It was one of the few times I was crying because I genuinely missed her. I know that sounds really weird to hear, but sometimes it takes a really long time before you realize how a particular event, or moment in your life suddenly means so much to you, all at once.

I was replaying many things in my head...memories--the times where I watched her doodle on a piece of paper as she'd talk on the phone, other times where I'd cut out coupons for her before our next trip to the grocery store, and even the memories where my sister and I would fight for alone time with her as she went to buy groceries at the store. These were images that were faded to me because the bad memories are always easier to remember it seems like. But again, that day was different in a lot of ways. I was remembering the Sunday, after her death, at church. I remembered the overwhelming crowd of hands upon my family as people prayed over us. I started remembering some of their prayers...and as I stood there at the grave, I couldn't get over how the answers to these prayers, were finally being revealed to me. The pretty fall colors of the leaves on the trees swaying in the wind around me...it reminded me of something. What seemed like a really long time of going back to the grave and leaving with a broken heart, was changed in that moment. You may constantly visit the grave when it's snowing and raining, and when you're around people that don't want to express their feelings the same way you do...but these times don't last forever. There will be a day where the sun is shining bright, and the wind is moving, blowing the colorful leaves off their branches. There will be a day when you go alone, but you don't feel lonely because you finally feel the comfort and peace you've been longing for. There will be that day when the seasons are changing and your hope is renewed as beautiful memories flood your mind. And on that same day, you will drive away from the grave sweetly broken, with a new perspective, and although you're crying, you will realize the tears are not pouring from an aching heart, but from a healing heart with an overwhelming hope about your circumstances.

Living A Not So Ordinary Life...

2007-10-30T19:55:00.000-05:00

Every day after school for the past month or so, a bunch of students from my school, including myself have been practicing for our upcoming production starting next week, Ordinary People. The more and more we practice and master characterizations, the more involved and excited I am about the play. As silly as that may sound, I find myself having so much fun being a part of this thing. I really regret not being a part of more plays in the past. But I know there's a great reason that I'm a part of this one. My friendships have deepened and I love it so much. Tonight after running through the show completely, most of the cast and crew stayed to watch the screen play (movie) of Ordinary People. Although I've come to realize the great impact of the play in and of itself, I became a lot more involved when I watched the movie. It was really powerful. I felt like I was the only one moved by it though. I get so involved and I often put myself in the place of that character feeling as if they were feeling. This all seems so silly, especially with having such a small part in the play myself, however there's something different about this play than I've ever seen or been a part of before. It's very realistic, hence the title. Just like ordinary people in the world. I guess I was just thinking about it, and relating it to my life. Conrad's (the main character) brother tragically dies in the story, and although his relationship with his mom is shallow and it is difficult to deal with his feelings, he makes it through...he realizes that there's more and that he's going to be okay.

I know I'm already past that point in my life...I know that thing's will be okay, but I've also realized on a different level that I'm not always going to be strong, and that's okay. Not everyone is always going to understand me either, and that's okay too. I was called to live a not so ordinary life, but a life that demands an explanation, and that's what I'm trying to do. It's really exciting making new and deeper friendships. And I love seeing the "irony" of the play and my life and how a lot of it seems to relate on some level. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I was just thinking and figured I'd write it out on here instead of in my journal. I haven't talked stuff out with someone in a while, and sometimes it helps to know someone is hearing me out, even if it is as indirect as this. Thanks for reading this, if you have.

A Psalm

2007-10-22T16:51:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was the ALG Retreat at Summit Lake and it was so refreshing and inspiring. I loved learning, listening, being challenged, worshipping, laughing, playing...everything seemed to fall into place. I learned so much about life, about my brothers and sisters, and I couldn't get the importance of passion out of my head all weekend. It's always been so important to me that I stay passionate about everything I do for Jesus' name, and this weekend I got a bigger and better glimpse of what passion looks like. It inspired and motivated me to let out the passion I had inside. I have so many thoughts and feelings and I can't seem to explain them right now, but after replaying the weekend, I wouldn't change a single thing that happened. Saturday night we were asked to write out a psalm to God about the things on our heart in that moment and then we shared them. It was so powerful hearing all these different cries out to God. So personal, yet really encouraging. Encouraging each other in that we aren't alone in this journey. I figured I'd write out my psalm again on here. I was writing fast and I wasn't able to get all my thoughts on paper, but I know there's a reason for why I wrote this prayer in that moment. The Holy Spirit was very overpowering that night.

I feel so alive, but in a way that some wouldn't understand. My heart yearns, it longs to be with you. But the only reason for this is because of brokenness. Father, you know that in order for me to see just how much I need you--I need to be stripped of everything. That is where I find you, it's always where I've found you. My need for you in my life is so great, but I've found myself wanting you more and more. When the tears are streaming down my face and I'm crying to you. When I'm lonely, even with all these people around. When I overhear the pounding and yelling of my father's voice--the only way I can escape it is crying out to you. When I'm hurt, confused--when I don't always understand your reason behind everything. I can't always be strong, Daddy. I need your help--I need it more than ever. Give me strength to endure the pain with a joyful and triumphant heart. Give me the hope that can be spread to others. I praise you Father, even in the midst of it all, I still want to glorify your name.

"..there's no mistaken it's You.."

Saturday Morning

2007-09-29T12:08:00.000-05:00

"On days like this,
When the clouds are moving
In the quiet blue sky with the loudest presence,
everything makes sense.
Everything feels okay.
Everything falls into place.
My emotions come to life.
My body feels like dancing.
My soul is on fire.
I feel brave enough to touch you.
The ground is sturdy enough to jump on.
The air is clean enough to breathe.
I can open my mouth, and taste feeling.
I can open my eyes and see hope.

On days like this:
I could press my hands over a ledge
I could kiss the air and I
Would sit on the cold, wet grass and stare out
to nowhere and see you everywhere."

9/11/01

2007-09-11T20:26:00.000-05:00

Many people stop to remember what this day brought them six years ago. So many pictures, songs, videos, and stories that bring back the horrific feelings and dreadful thoughts. People say they’ll never forget where they were that day or what they were doing. They say that the heartache will never leave them and the tragic pictures will always be in their minds. For me, I can’t remember a lot because I didn’t understand. Nothing made sense—I was too young to know or even grasp what everything meant. Such a horrific thing and my little being had no idea. The lives that were lost, the hurt that was felt, the tears that were cried and the lessons that were learned. As the years passed and all was remembered—the pictures were the same and the hurt of a country still remained. The grief and sorrow was bigger than I understood and heavier than I could feel. Now, even six years later—I finally realize and I finally understand. For the first time, my heart breaks for innocent people, broken families, and a surviving country. As the nation thinks back to remember the hurt and loss that day—I stand in astonishment as if I’d never heard it before. So many lives, so much destruction, but still the many heroes will remain. They’re life-savors; hope-givers. They’re filled with courage, love, and faith. Faith in achieving. Faith in each other. Faith in a nation in all that it lost in just a few hours. Even though it took me years to comprehend—I’m thankful that I can now think and reflect on the stories, the pictures, and the heartache our nation felt so deeply. Above all let us not forget what the suffering brings. The hope our saviors have given to us. The beauty in hearing tragic losses and devastation with a voice of hope and a joyful spirit. Even in the dreadful reality of it all—a nation reaches out to each other with love…in a final understanding that love is why we’re here. Reaching out to each other through all the hatred and tragedy, to remind one another of a pure love and a great hope. One that, as clearly as a man’s hand reaches for another, our God reaches down to us as we remember devastation of this September day. He turns all the ash into beauty. He brings the dead to life. And He gives healing to the hurting. As our God has blessed us over and over again, even through all the pain—I pray, not for God to bless America; but may America bless God always—especially today.

A Cross Overlooking Creation

2007-08-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

Really late last night, I was listening to some music and I heard an old, yet powerful song and wrote something about it, in remembrance of a time when we sang it at Camp Barnabas.

I just listened to an incredible song, "Here I am to Worship"...

here I am to worship
here I am to bow down
here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

It reminded me of a lot of things, one of them being a time at Barnabas where we sang it. It was Sunday morning and I remember the really cool breeze and the incredible view of creation at IP. My heart was fully aware of the words and I was singing the words with great meaning, just as I did again tonight. I remember singing them after a long week; singing 'here I am to worship' -- letting God know I was ready and prepared because I knew He'd already been working in and through me all week. I remember singing 'here I am to bow down'...reminded of the time during the week where I'd been stripped of everything, but God's mighty strength, forcing me to surrender myself before Him. 'Here I am to say that you're my God' -- proclaiming His name and who I was there to serve. With complete honesty I was able to shout that He is altogether lovely...noticing His ever-present creation before my very eyes, and His overwhelming presence in my heart. Singing: altogether worthy...remembering the things He's done for me...and replaying the special relationships and the ongoing laughs He'd been a part of all week, and He was so worthy of it all. Worthy of everything. And altogether wonderful to me. Gifting me in seeing such amazing love and being able to experience the true joy in serving others unselfishly, and humbling myself before God. So wonderful to me. And here and now I remember that time and that moment where we sang this song at camp...and here I sing it again, by myself, in the silence of my room, reminded of how worthy He is no matter where I am. And I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross. The cross that holds my sin and upon which my Savior died for me. And because of that He is altogether worthy and oh so lovely. What a wonderful cross...looking over creation. Such a beautiful picture that I will never forget. Just as plain and clear as it was at Barnabas--it is here in the stillness and quiet of my room--that the cross represents how low my Jesus stooped down just to save me, and now he is lifted so high, and is worthy of all praise. Thank you Jesus for the beautiful cross...may you be made famous through the life you gave me.

I Have A River...

2007-07-25T07:02:00.000-05:00

I have a river
A river of life
Flowing inside of me
And it never runs dry
I have a treasure
A glorious prize
The spirit of God in me,
in an abundant supply

Jesus you are my living water
I'll NEVER need what this world offers
So I will rejoice, for you have made me glad

I want this world
to want what I have

Another Love Letter from the King

2007-07-09T09:58:00.000-05:00

My Princess...
HEAR MY VOICE

I am always here for you. I'm never too busy to talk to you, My beloved. If you will turn off the things around you that drown out My voice, you will begin to hear Me in your spirit. When you don't know where to go, you will hear Me give you divine direction. When you are in need of a friend, you will hear Me whisper, "I am here." When you need comfort, you will hear Me call to you, "Come to Me." Don't let the voice of your own uncertainties distract you from My still, small voice. Quiet your spirit, and know that I am your Heavenly Father and you are My precious daughter--and I love when you listen to Me.

Love,

Your King and the Voice of heaven

Clear Night Skies

2007-06-30T13:21:00.000-05:00

Last week I went camping with a bunch of families in Outer Banks, North Carolina. It was a blast! We endured swarms of mosquitoes, gallons of bugspray, sandy & wet tents, many fish (and huge stingrays), hardcore sunburn (well, I did anyway), and loud voices early in the morning when you are trying to sleep. It wouldn't have been camping without all these things. I enjoyed the long days out on the beach, the long walks to 'the point' (where all the waves from both sides of the beach came crashing together), the many wasted water bottles, the cool showers, the fantastic sunsets and bonfires out on the beach, and most of all...the beautiful dark sky every night. Almost every night we were there, I spent my time out on the campus playground, laying on my back, staring at the stars. I had never seen clearer nights before. And believe it or not, if you take enough time to stare at the sky during the night, you will see more shooting stars than you probably have ever seen in your lifetime. In the silence of the camp site and the brightness of the stars...I couldn't help but take advantage of it. I lie in wonder of it all, very curious as to how we can sleep under such a marvelous creation every night, yet never notice it. Later I wrote this to express my feelings on those amazing evenings, and so I could remember my amazing experiences under the stars that week...

The vast complexities of the sky overwhelm my every part. It's so simple, yet I am so unaware. Unaware of its complete beauty. Unaware of its incredible greatness. Unaware that no matter how much I contemplate it all, I will never be able to fully comprehend, describe, or contain any of it, completely. I stare in wonder, never fully realizing the power of your presence with all the distractions around me, I never thought my mind could be so still; my heart so calm. As much as my mind seemed to desire other things in that moment, my heart was focused on your truth, your promises, and your control in my life. How could I forget your plan for me?...the love that you so deeply express to me? As my heart yearned for other things...my focus shifted quickly as you reminded me of your special plan for my life. All of a sudden those things didn't matter anymore--I only yearned for you. In that moment I knew I needed your help and I needed you, but more importantly I wanted all that you had to offer. Lying there under those stars reminded me of your amazing power to change things. That evening sky reassured my trust in someone great. The soft, fresh smell of the air filled me up and gave me a new hope. The gentle, soft breeze reassured me of your unending comfort and love in all my circumstances. The silence of the night gave me peace and a calmness in my heart and my thoughts. The firm wood which I laid upon kept me secure and gave me strength to endure it all. And that amazing sparkle shooting across the dark night sky reminded me of my God's beauty, glory, and holiness. And with that I knew it was worth it...that the King of the universe was with me in that moment and He wasn't going to leave me. With every aspect of His glory revealed to me that very night, I knew I had the greatest treasure of all. And I was going to trust in that and hold it close. Confusion, brokenness, bitterness, anger... in the midst of it all, I will trust. Trust that your plan is bigger, better, and worth more than anything I could ever imagine.

This is how it feels to be held...

2007-05-21T19:45:00.001-05:00

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

When the sacred is torn from my life...this is how it feels. Wow, but never did I think that I would feel so fulfilled at the same time. And it's all because of where the hurt has brought me. Because I realized that nothing else can bring me peace, nothing else can give me hope, in the way that I need it but this. It's not until you find yourself completely stripped of everything that you realize how much you cannot do it on your own. Although the reality of it all is heart-breaking...it's worth it. When I feel like nothing's left to hope for...I find myself mistaken. All of a sudden, things are calm, my thoughts are at peace, my heart is healed, and I am redeemed from my pain. This is what it is to be loved. To know that when I'm feeling this way, I will be held, rescued, and surrounded. Everything will be worked for the good of those who love him. I believe it. If this is what it takes, I'm all in. I've already learned so much, and yet there's still so much more to learn. This is only the beginning. And when that thought becomes overwhelming...I know my God will give me strength. When I feel like I've done everything I possibly can, and yet I still feel empty-handed, I know I can raise my empty hands high, in victory, in honor and in glory, all for my ever-reigning King. When I feel like I'm in this alone...my hope will be restored. Even at my lowest point. Deep within me I know there's a God that wants to lift me high...that wants to build me up so I can do the same for others. Even after the things I've felt...there's no way any of this compares to what was done for me...so that I might live. This life is worth it. This loneliness is worth it. This confusion, anger, frustration, and pain...it's all worth it. Why? Because it's bringing glory, honor, and praise to my God. Because He paid a much higher price. Because this is what He has required for me to grow and become more like him. Part of sharing God's glory is sharing His suffering. This is what it feels to have the sacred torn from my life, yet this is also how it feels to be held by my most gracious, magnificent, transcendent, most holy, and ever beautiful, mighty King. And that feeling is worth it. Finally, a feeling that never fades, ceases, or ends...but one that satisfies, loves, hopes, and comforts. And that's something worth holding onto, especially when my world falls away.

May 6, 2000

2007-05-07T19:05:00.000-05:00

Exactly seven years ago, May 6, 2000 I lost someone very dear to me. I never thought it would get harder as the years past, but sometimes it just does. I thought this year would be okay. But then I realized that it wasn't, but it was going to be different from any other year. As weird as this may sound, for the first time I missed her, not for the sake of missing her, but because I need her. And even though I know being with her isn't possible right now, I know there is a reason for it beyond anything I can or will comprehend. During the church service yesterday morning, I was so overwhelmed with everything. It was like everything I've ever felt, thought about, known, and every memory came upon me. Again, I realized how this whole senario, what took place seven years ago, wasn't for me. It's all about my response to it, especially when things are the hardest...because I know it's glorifying God. And that's all that matters. I just can't get over how great things can become out of some of the most heart-breaking times. Right now I'm relying on pure faith because each day I'm being stretched even further. I need to trust that God will keep working through this, and where I am with my dad right now. The older I get, the more I realize how much she missed out in my life and vise versa. It's difficult, but I have to constantly remind myself that all these amazing people in my life now, will one day meet her, and that makes me really happy. I can't wait. Somebody once told me that if it's not okay, then it's not over. I believe it. I know God's not done yet. And I know this pain is so worth it, after what He did for me on the cross, and for what He promises me. I just can't wait until everybody can meet her. Oh, what a day that will be!

The best part of it all is that although sometimes I cry, it is all magnifying and glorifying the holy name of Jesus Christ.

Journey

2007-04-23T19:26:00.000-05:00

Weekend 180 was amazing...to so many ends. I wish I could explain every last thing I enjoyed about this weekend, but I honestly couldn't...there were too many! I found myself so wrapped up in God's word through the different sessions we did. After each session we were challenged to 'hang our hammock' and respond to what we learned. Each time I just learned something so profound; something I never had learned or thought about before. There was something real about this weekend, and there was no doubt in my mind that it was Holy Spirit. This is just the things I wrote after each session, and it's the only way I could describe the feelings deep inside my heart.

Session 1: My Decision for the Journey
...I want to move. Without moving forward I know I will find myself stuck and unable to recover when I fall. It's just like I am physically--I can't stop moving, I'm always talking, running, jumping, laughing, crying, shouting. When I'm told to stay still I get frusterated, uneasy, figetty, angry, upset. That's the way I am spiritually too. If I'm not moving, I can't see the future God wants me to see, I won't be able to experience the new roads, new places, new ideas and new relationships God has in mind for me. When I choose to move my time will be expanded, my adventures lengthened, my experiences elaborated, and my relationships deepened. When I choose to move my life won't be boring because everything will always be different from before. When I choose to move my heart will be hurt, my ideas challenged, my beliefs tested, and my mind expanded. The more I'm willing to move, the more my life and my heart will be shaped. I've made a decision to move to glorify God and all that he is worth. As I talk I'm glorifying God, as I laugh I'm glorifying God, as I cry, shout, run, surrender--I am glorifying God. Even though I don't know what the future holds--as I move, God will be in the car as we journey...and he will be driving as I soak in the adventure around me.

Session 2: Focus
Heartache keeps my focus most right now. Without heartache I wouldn't realize who it is I need to rely on in order to survive. Heartache brings me to the point of brokeness when I realize I can't do it on my own. Heartache brings me to the point where I see and I feel it can't be done on my own. Without this, my focus wouldn't be where it is supposed to be right now. I want to focus on God. I want to look back at this and see where it leads me. I want to be a child of God so focused on Him, that when the world crumbles at my feet I won't even notice.

Session 3: On a Team
My calling is simple. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient; bearing one another in love, through love, with love. Make every effort to keep the unity. Not just when you feel like it, not just when things are good, but just the opposite too. Be patient when a situation is out of control. Be gentle when you're angry and you're about to explode. Be humble when all you want to do is think about yourself. Be loving when no one else wants to love; be loving when you don't want to love. Make peace when everything is chaotic and when it's so much easier to be angry or split apart. That's what it's about. Doing things that we don't want to do sometimes. Being the person that no one else wants to be. You know, it's not about me and it's not about what works for me, but about what glorifies God.

Dancing Freely

2007-03-21T11:15:00.001-05:00

The rain pours over everything under the sky. The winds pick up more and more as the storm goes on. As the lightening strikes, it lights up everything around you. For a split second the dark night is brightened by a simple flash of light, fooling everyone who sees it. It’s almost as though it were day for nothing longer than a second. How fascinating. The winds whistle right in my ear—and the rain hits like pellets against my window. And there’s more—it’s not over. Shortly following each flash of light is a rumble so big and powerful. Sometimes it roars and other times it just softly echoes throughout the earth. The loud crack can sometimes be scary and surprising, but to just think of how beautiful. As the earth soaks in all the rain, it is satisfied. And the trees sway freely in the intense wind of the storm as if they were dancing amongst the rain…celebrating in the storm. The sound is like peace unto my ears as the rain falls, the wind blows, and the glorious thunder rumbles like a disturbance amongst all the worldly distractions. People pause and listen to what mother nature has in store for them tonight. It’s almost as if time has stopped, where all pause to watch and listen to creation’s song. In all of its force—God shines through yet again. This time putting on a show that most people don’t know they’re watching. And as the storm rolls out, the rain trickles and the thunder rumbles off in the distance—the light flashes every so often, and I sit and watch at such vast beauty. Even though on the outside the storms may be raging and the rain may be crashing—on the inside, I sit in silence and peace. For I know someone’s in control of the storm—and I couldn’t control it if I tried. I find joy in watching the trees dance amongst the rain. Even as the thunders roar they become carefree and hopeful as the heavens rain down upon them. I persevere and desire to be like that tree, every time a storm crosses my path. To stand firm and rooted in knowing my God has control. Tonight He chose to conduct such a storm for His own reasons, just as He does in our lives. But no matter how fierce the storm or how strong the winds—I will stand firm in knowing Someone bigger, Someone greater, and Someone better conducts the storms of my life. And better yet—He knows what He’s doing and has a plan in mind for every storm that hits. My job is to be just like that tree—to dance freely in the midst of the storm.

Love Letter From the King

2007-03-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

My Princess...
TRUST ME WITH THOSE YOU LOVE

I know your heart, and I know how much you love those close to you. I am your Creator and the Giver of every good gift. I have given you loved ones to share your life with. But you, My child, must remember that those you love ultimately belong to Me--not to you. I didn't give you those special relationships to tear you apart or to control you through fear of the future. Like Abraham did with his only son, Isaac, I need you to open your heart and give back to Me those you love, Trust Me with everything that concerns you regarding them. Place your hand in Mine, and I promise I will walk you--and your loved ones--through all things this life brings.

Love,

Your trustworthy King

Snowfall

2007-02-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

It's the first real snowfall of the year. Everything blankets in a soft white; untouched. But as everything seems to fall asleep this winter, it's still more beautiful than ever. The sun rises, just as it does every morning, bringing so much light and joy. It shine's on all things covered in white, bringing beauty to the things that appear dead. Giving them life when all that surrounds is frigid cold. The sun shine's bright, beams bursting through my bedroom window. Giving my hair a new shine and warming my body in a new way. The flakes randomly fall from the branches of the tree outside my window. Each one, laying ever so gently on the soft ground. I watch, yet ponder on how something so small could bring so much beauty and peace to a loud world. And even though we can't see each one closely, they are all so different and so complex. Even so, you are displayed in it all. And this is not the last--your grace will keep falling. Your warmth will keep satisfying. Your love will keep covering. Your beauty will keep the peace. And your marvelous light will keep shining through my window, every day.